February 2012
147 posts
4 tags
Male Journalists Are Looking Too Sexy, Too
Conservative commenters have been expressing concern that women journalists are going for “the sexpot look,” undermining their credibility and that of their profession by using their sex appeal to draw viewers’ eyeballs.
As a male journalist, I ask: where in this furor is the criticism of the men? It’s hard enough trying to make a living in this shrinking field without feeling pressured to...
Pop Star-Themed Breakfast Cereals
• Kelly Clarkson’s Guarini Hair Doodles
• Carrie Underwood’s Jesus Wheels
• Bon Iver’s Cabin Logs
• John Mayer’s Big Mouths
• Britney Spears’ Snap Crackle Babies
• Lady Gaga’s DADDY’S ANGRY [contents of a garage toolkit in a bowl]
• Chris Brown’s Black Eyed Pea Puffs
• Clay Aiken’s Wheatabix Long Wheats
• Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Proactiv-O’s
• Madonna’s Age-Reducing Blood of a Younger...
1 tag
Harry Potter Characters I’d Consider Wanding
Cho: Harry’s first crush was our first crush…on a fictional, young sorceress. The book doesn’t have pictures. So we can’t tell her babe-factor. But Harry’s always had good taste. And in your male, adolescent angst (while reading the first books), you had no other object—other than maybe Professor McGonagall—to project your nascent sexual urges. So, it was Cho.
Luna Lovegood: I was super...
What the First Publication You Read in the Morning...
The Huffington Post: You are the equivalent of a windchime. You just hang out, going wherever the forces of nature gently blow you. This likely means that you work in PR.
The local news: You are my dad.
An iPad-based “smart app” that aggregates news based on its growing understanding of your unique interests: You are a marketing executive. You are drinking coffee your wife carefully selected...
1 tag
Wishlist for EVEN MORE New Facebook Features
-A stream that people don’t realize is publicizing what porn they’re watching.
-Ads for ringtones that automatically play upon rollover.
-A “glitterize” feature that lets me digitally “pour glitter” all over my profile.
-A pop-up that will ask me to rate my Facebook experience with a simple survey.
-Notifications that slowly float down the screen telling me what my friends are listening to...
1 tag
Popular Items Among Colonial Puritans on Pinterest
Indian corn decorations, presented by friendly Natives who subsequently died of smallpox.
Baby swaddler with loop for hanging on the wall.
Stiff black hat with a tiny pamphlet of favorite Bible verses tucked into the headband.
Hand-woven dolls to hang above the hearth to remember how many of your children have died.
Corporal-punishment paddle with hand-carved heart.
Form-fitting smock with...
What Your Favorite TV Shows Can Do for You
Glee
At last, a show for the socially isolated dreamer! Don’t stop believing; despite your “geekiness,” you can rise to the top of a highly polarized social hierarchy like high school*
*note: only applicable to conventionally attractive geeks harboring untapped Broadway-grade talent
True Blood
Cancel your tanning salon membership and decrease your melanoma risk, but more importantly...
What the Pope Would Need to Tweet For Me to Go...
The Vatican doesn’t take official stances on presidential elections, but seriously, #Santorum is an #assface. Ok. So sailor-talk aside. I still think this thing is do-able. Don’t you Benedict? I mean, Santorum has unwittingly become the face of U.S. Catholics. And while that slot—the face of U.S. Catholics—has never been a particularly good-looking one, you could make an argument that that was...
1 tag
Ten Things That Annoyed Me About Being a Cub Scout
I felt peer-pressured into joining. I didn’t want to miss out on what everyone else was doing, even if it was sort of annoying.
Cub Scouts are all boys. I always preferred to hang out with girls, so that was strike one.
Weird animal symbology. My “Wolf Pack” was Den 4, about a dozen of my grade’s most obnoxious boys. But before we could be Wolves, we had to be Bobcats, and then we graduated to...
girl from the north country.: questions i'm afraid... →
fromthenorthcountry:
in response to dunstan.
really? sweet pickles?
you’ve got condoms, right?
you mean you know that people can see you changing through your window?
is that bleach i smell in the shower? geez, how often do you clean?
wow. i sent you this last week, and it’s already framed and prominently displayed on your wall?
is this your journal? who is “matt?” why is there a...
4 tags
Questions (That Don’t Have Reassuring Answers) You...
How old are those pickles?
Why is there a condom floating in your toilet?
Did you know people can see you changing from your window?
What is that smell coming from the shower?
Hey! I sent you this weeks ago, why haven’t you opened it?
Is this your journal? Who is “Ashley?” Why are there hearts around her name?
Did you pay that ticket yet?
Whose blonde hair is this?
Ummm, so, nice...
Other Things Your Nike Fuelband is Monitoring
-How much of your arm action looks suspiciously like nose picking.
-Judging by the precise oxidation levels on your skin, whether or not you’re having an extramarital affair. Bonus app lets your wife secretly track all skanky perfume scents your wrist encounters.
-Whether you’ve bought a Starbucks Indivisible wristband or you hate job creation.
-How jealous your Livestrong bracelet is of the...
Other Evil Things You Didn’t Know About the Girl...
-Their leaders have them make “collages,” where they cut up magazines like Redbook and Playgirl and make visual representations of their plans to go to liberal arts college and study queer theory. We’re not sure what queer theory is, but we think it is a crash course in homesexual intercourse methods that produces unemployable graduates who go immediately on welfare.
-They bake cookies but...
To Walk a Mile in Santorum's Shoes
I don’t think you understand how hard it can be, guys. Having a patriarchal monotheistic God, who only used to talk to illiterate nomadic desert peoples, yammering in your ear 24-7 is super tough! It’s always “Don’t use condoms! Your sperm is the cereal and your wife’s vagina is the bowl, and spilling cereal outside the bowl is just a waste of cereal!” or “Only sluts, democrats, feminists, and...
1 tag
Words Artists Are No Longer Allowed to Use In...
Light
Dialogue
Rediscovered
Reflections
Tapestry
Movement
Gesture
Foundations
Merging
Encounter
Visions
Juxtaposition
Deconstruction
Exploration
Collision
- Jay Gabler, Becky Lang, Dunstan McGill, and Jason Zabel
Photo by Wonderlane (Creative Commons)
A Guide to Life as a Cool Christian Bro
Jesus. The first thing for a cool Christian bro is Jesus, gotta be down with JC. He died for everyone and His doing so opened the way to heaven, which is going to be the best time ever. Dave Bazan, he’ll be there, playing his guitar. Mark Driscoll, he’ll be there, giving a sermon on why certain angels don’t fly correctly. Gandhi, he’ll be there…kidding, of course!
Sex. Even though it’s better...
Gawkerizing Huffington Post Headlines
HuffPo: ESPN Crosses Line with Offensive Lin Headline Gawkerized: Surprise, Surprise, There’s a Racist Idiot at ESPN
HuffPo: Is THIS What the iPad 3 Will Look Like? Gawkerized: Let’s Unintelligibly Speculate About the Next iPad
HuffPo: Emma Watson: Journalists Asked Me If I Was a Lesbian Because of Haircut Gawkerized: What? We Thought Hermione Was a Lesbo, Too
HuffPo: Republican Lawmakers...
2 tags
2012′s Most Dangerous Idea: If We Deny the...
“I have a dream,” said Dr. King, “that that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.”
For all the hard-earned and justly-celebrated progress America has made since the 1960s—including, most dramatically, the election of an African-American president—we’re still a very, very long way...
How I’ve Dramatically Re-Shaped My Mild Run-Ins...
• At the age of 8 in 1993, I phoned 911 when my dad refused to play catch with me in the backyard. I hung up immediately. But blue phoned back, forcing my mom to give me a crash course in “proper apologies.” Later at the swimming pool, I told my friends there had been two squad cars and (for hyperbolic effect) the “jaws of life” parked outside my house for hours.
• At the age of 17 in 2002,...
Playground Personal Brands
Kid With ADHD Who Can’t Stop Quoting Quagmire from Family Guy™
“Gemstone Expert” Boy Who Gets Along Better With Girls™
Girl Going Through Puberty Early Who is Embarrassed About Her Sports Bra™
Boy Who Doesn’t Get He Shouldn’t Throw Balls Hard at Special Needs Kids During Dodgeball™
Windpants Guy™
Kid Talking About R-Rated Movies He’s Seen Cuz His Parents Don’t Give a Fuck™
Precocious...
7 tags
The Presidents of My Lifetime: Memory Dump
Gerald Ford: President when I was born, which is something not many people can say because he stepped up to replace the scandalized Nixon but was not reelected, via being a doofus. At least, that’s what I gather from Chevy Chase Saturday Night Live sketches I’ve seen on YouTube.
Jimmy Carter: President when I was in diapers. Kind of got screwed by having to deal with a lousy economy and a...
Indie Musician’s Guide to Taking Criticism
1. Turn it back on the journalist. How much do they know about music? Can they even play hot cross buns on a ukele? Hmm? They probably don’t even know what an E flat sounds like. They wish they were a *real* musician but went into writing cuz they sucked at music and resent everyone who doesn’t.
2. Decide the journalist is a petulant, joyless bastard who hasn’t gotten laid in a year. “Yeah, I...
Schedule for a Leadership Conference, Whatever the...
Agenda – February 1, 2012
Welcome and Icebreaker: Experience Balloons 09:00 am – 09:30 am If you catch the balloon, share with the group a childhood memory which painfully foreshadows your life’s path of missing expectations, abusing drugs and/or alcohol, and then making it up to your mom by taking an unfulfilling, stable job. Then, throw the balloon to the most attractive, least attractive, or...
What Male Politicians Say About Contraception, and...
This contraceptive thing. My gosh, it’s so inexpensive. Ya know, back in my days they used to use Bayer Aspirin for contraceptives. The gals would stick it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly.” – Foster Freiss
What women hear: “I miss the days when good women baked cakes while we blew our loads on hookers.”
“The hearing is not about reproductive rights and contraception but instead...
One of our regular readers has submitted a mathematical analysis of which Tangential writer she’d rather date, Jay Gabler or Dunstan McGill. We’ll stash it after a jump so you can see how that worked out if you’re curious. If you want to inspire this sort of stalking devotion, consider submitting!
Tangential Bios
Jay:
Harvard grad? Swoon for smarts +10
Soft spot for...
How 30 Rock Redeems Celebrities and SNL Destroys...
One of the first things that amazed me about “30 Rock” was that it was able to make Alec Baldwin cool again. Before he was on that show, people were thinking of him as the dude who got caught calling his 11-year-old daughter a “thoughtless little pig.” Then he became Jack Donaghy, the suave but flawed, whisky-clinking, corporate-minded Republican.
The genius of 30 Rock is in the way it develops...
I'm a _______ (a poem)
Yes. I once got an application from someone who listed their no-original-content Tumblr as a “curation business.”
iamsosorry:
I’m a photographer, look at my latte on Instagram. I’m a curator, look at my reblogs. I’m an entrepreneur, look at my Kickstarter. I’m a singer, look at my Youtube cover of Glee covering Adele. I’m a stylist, lookatmylookbook.nu. I’m a model, look at my...
Brief for Adding a Twee Character to Your TV Show
1. This character must have glasses – big weird ones that seem to say, “I only bought these because someone in the third world got a pair as well.”
2. PJs! Make sure your character is in PJs for at least 40% of the show. The PJs should have a ridiculous pattern, like giant Furbys, and be complimented with giant slippers. The character should often be lounging near a couch, bed or giant bean bag...
1 tag
Realities of Working From Home That I Refuse to...
Reality: There is a relationship between the amount I spend on a computer and how fast it is. What I prefer to believe: “RAM” is an imaginary thing dreamed up by computer manufacturers to steal money from us. If my applications are slow to load and my OS crashes, that probably has something to do with Russian spammers, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can go ahead and spend that $300 on...
The Tangential Ruins Minneapolis: Friday night: Me... →
We have this other blog we use for stuff specific to Minneapolis. Thought some of you might be curious about what Dunstan got up to last night in rural Minnesota.
thetangentialruinsminneapolis:
Let’s get this out of the way immediately: I once had a warrant out for my arrest. So when the officer (wearing midnight blues, sensible black shoes, with a gun attached to his hip) returned to my...
1 tag
Guys, Categorized by the Ways They Hold Their...
The Wombcatcher. This guy stands behind his partner and goes for the full hand-clasping wraparound, like they’re posing for a pregnancy announcement card at ProEx. He believes in miracles.
The Hip-Hugger. This guy suspects that a grinding/freakdancing situation is about to take place, and he’s already grabbing his partner by the hips as if to say, “I’ve got this one!” This is the nightclub...
1 tag
My Understanding of a Typical PR Person’s Day Via...
I have a friend who works as an account manager. She is a public relations pro. Or so say her hashtags. She works in a little firm that specializes in education stuff. Often she has attempted to describe her daily work duties to me. But I’m still confused. All I can gather is the following, via her Twitter feed:
9 a.m. Morning! Major head trauma:( #drinkswithladieslastnight #putsmileon
9:05...
Welcome to our newest staff writer: Katya Karaz →
She’s not on Tumblr, so she’s our correspondent from the real world.
1 tag
Subjects, In Addition to Birth Control, That These...
How to get more followers on Pinterest.
Belly shirts, which make them feel both angry and horny, and angry that they’re horny.
Melissa Etheridge albums, ranked from best to worst.
People putting sweaters on dogs and cats—what’s next, sex with dogs and cats? Precisely.
Nursing bras: too much risk of nipslip?
The show Glee, which promotes gay stuff, learning Spanish, and other evils of...
itsswim asked: I take it back your shit's too provincial
itsswim asked: I'm guessing you all don't take submission from any pretentious prick who has half the knack and twice the ego to type some shit. All I can say is that I like to write, but I keep it on the dl for fear of getting lumped with the monstrous mass of fucks that wear the self appointed title. Anyways before I go on a rant, I wanted to see if you thought anything of what I've written. It...
1 tag
My Failure to Attain Inner Peace During Hot Yoga
Entering the Studio…
“Welcome, everyone! I’m Josh, your instructor. Please take a moment to embrace this space. This is your space. Come into it, and reflect on the peace it brings you.”
It kind of smells like cedar in here, and the warm color scheme reminds me of my favorite Indian restaurants. Dear God, it feels like a sauna. Maybe we could crack a window…
“Alright, let’s begin with some...