December 2011
84 posts
Worst Pop Song Lyrics of 2011
This was another year of horrible (yet addicting) pop music. Perhaps you were inspired by one of several ballads meant to boost your self esteem (i.e. Pink’s “Fuckin’ Perfect”) or maybe you caught yourself singing a lyric about your cell phone (i.e. Hot Chelle Rae’s “I like it like that”) I suffered through lots of YouTube videos to bring you this list, in no particular order.
1. T-Pain &...
Review: World’s First Perfect Zine
One cool way to create a lit zine is to have open submissions and accept only the best ones. Another way, one you might not expect, involves getting big names to promise contributions by promising contributions from other big names. That’s exactly what David Shapiro (Pitchfork Reviews Reviews) did when creating The World’s First Perfect Zine.
It all started when Shapiro got Pitchfork founder...
Notable Posts of 2k11
Notable guest post: Plea of a Teenage Cro-Magnon by Natalie Shure
This post by writer I’ve never met IRL is not only hilarious, but also startlingly specific in its historical references.
Crowd fave: Why Single People are More Interesting than People in Couples by Jay Gabler
There was a time when all of us writers were single. This narrow window allowed Jay Gabler to say something so bold...
My Top Girl Crushes of 2011
1. Lana Del Rey
When I first saw Lana Del Rey, I felt compelled to draw her face. She’s that pretty. I don’t even care if her real name is Lizzy Grant and her lips are collagen. 12-year-olds are about to grow up having her as a sex icon, and they’re lucky for it – her music sure beats out Britney Spears.
2. Allison Harvard from “Top Model”
The Internet calls her “creepychan” and Tyra Banks...
2011: Was it Boring? Did it Suck?
Magazines across the board seemed to have reached a consensus: 2011 sucked. Natural disasters, sex scandals, a whole parade of crazy Republican candidates – the news was definitely a drag. Did we just have bad karma, as a society? Since they covered the important stuff, I’ll look at the little things, and decide once and for all if 2011 was boring/sucked.
Sex
• James Blake’s album made hipster...
Arts Orbit: Q: Who IS that? A: Kelsey McDonough,... →
Meet our (relatively) new staff writer!
artsorbit:
Name: Kelsey McDonough Twitter: @kel4000 Website: kel4000.tumblr.com, thetangential.com
What’s your job? “Marketing & Communications Coordinator at a local nonprofit and server at Salut Bar Americain in St. Paul.”
Other than your job, what are your claims to fame? “I’m slowly infiltrating the genius that is the Tangential circle, which...
Introducing: The Tangential’s Super Holiday...
At The Tangential, we believe the holiday season is a time to get ready for winter hibernation by getting fat and sleeping as much as possible. Unfortunately, in order to truly prepare, bear style, for the months to come, we must take a 2-week break from blogging.
Here are some things we feel as if we’re going to do during this break, but might not get around to: -Working on “screenplays.”...
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A Defense of Shameless Christmas Music
Our editor Jay Gabler has recently been liking my Spotify account more than usual—a nod on my Mannheim Steamroller, a witty comment about Jackson Browne’s contribution to Celtic tradsters The Chieftains’ seminal holiday album Bells of Dublin, and maybe a good-natured “like” on my venture deep into Christmas in Sarajevo by Trans-Siberian Orchestra (yes, that band that has supplied a steady stream...
A Visual Guide to What Your Handwriting Says About...
To read this better, go here.
-Becky Lang
Twitter Handle Suggestions for Demi Moore,...
@25andYoungerPlz
[Quit all social media to screw up Kutcher’s investments]
@BroSafari
@MyButtIsPlastic
@RumorsMom
@DemiWho
@SexandPottery
@TakeMeBackBruce
@NotKyleRichards
@iDisrespectHawthorne
@CurtainHair
@MiddlePart
@RememberWhenIShavedMyHead
-Becky Lang, Marcus Michalik, Jason Zabel, Sarah Heuer
Power Point Marriage Proposal for the Modern...
-Becky Lang
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This Might Seem Unnecessary, BUT…Why the new...
You may not know this, but that new Muppets movie is liberal brainwashing of children. No, the HIV-positive, starving or “Ralph Nader” muppet doesn’t appear in this film to turn your child pro-choice. Finding the bogeyman this time requires more of a leap.
Tex Richman (played by a devilish Chris Cooper)—yes, seriously—is the antagonist who wants to purchase the old studio Kermit, Miss Piggy,...
How To Assess A Potential Bro Hook Up Based on How...
Bros have a bad rep for a good reason. Their exaggerated macho behavior suggests serious overcompensation, but hey, they’re kind of fun to sleep with sometimes. For those of us who don’t have a lot of bro-friends, it can be intimidating to try to fuck one. The worst case scenario (aside from horrible sex) is having your shit put on blast after the hookup, as bros are wont to do. I’ve compiled...
Me and the Market: Investing for Broke College...
I started investing at age 10.
That’s not necessarily true – more like age 5. My cousins, never the type to buy traditional presents, bought me one share in Disney stock for Christmas. My mom handed it to me and explained that I now owned a part of the company that made Aladdin.
I found this underwhelming. After receiving the occasional ten cent dividend check, I became privvy to the fact that...
Arbitrary Guesses at What Popular Celebrities Will...
Ryan Gosling: A rolling pin
Angelina Jolie: A goose
Jon Hamm: A subway map
Kate Gosselin: Margarita salt
John Mayer: A Speak & Spell
Rihanna: Crackling nail polish
Bono: A new car-scented crayon
Scarlett Johansson: Bop-it
Tosh.O: A box of French Toast Crunch
Aziz Ansari: Chilled Popov
Hipster Runoff: A lavender-scented eye mask from Bath & Body Works
Kendra Wilkinson: A...
The Couple’s Guide to Deciding Whose House to Go...
So you and your beaux/ho have conflicting Christmas dinners, but you’re dead set on O.D.ing on ham arm-in-arm. How do you decide whose family gets you? Just take this survey about your own families, and whoever has the most points wins!
-How good is your mom’s cooking on a scale of 1 to 10? Add points according to her score. (Be honest.) -Do your parents typically put out a plate of cheese...
Yes, People Do Read Reviews—and Here's Why
In a recent post, Becky wonders whether people bother reading most reviews. If they don’t, she suggests, it’s because a lot of reviews are boring and formulaic essays designed to please publicists and ensure continued access/freebies/advertising for the publications.
Do people read reviews? Based on my four years of experience as arts editor at the Twin Cities Daily Planet, I can say that the...
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Do People Read “Reviews?”
I spent a lot of my youth reading reviews. Every month, I would read every single album review in Rolling Stone and Jane, the first for what I considered respectable opinions and the latter for strange, non-sequitur narratives that were strangely precise at leading me to music I would like.
That was a different time. Back then, you had to go out and buy magazines, and you actually had time to...
The Career Arc of Diablo Cody (Or “Young Adult” is...
Diablo Cody is near and dear to all wannabe Minneapolis writers who would someday like to hold a gold statue and guest-appear on the new 90210. Paradoxically, she also personifies the “That can only happen once” route to celebrity. In case you don’t already know, she started out as a secretary at ad agency Fallon (my bosses used to work there!), while also stripping and blogging about it in our...
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What Both Sexes Mean When They Say "I Love You"
Girls: I want to be with you all the time, and I’ve completely negated/discounted the emotional value of my previous relationships, because you are better than my ex. I care enough about you that I would sacrifice something large in my life for your circumstances or goals. I would change a lot of things in my life, even possibly my geographical location or occupation, to sustain this...
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Disco Babies in Crisis: The Year of...
There’s a woman in her mid-30s. She’s beautiful and talented, which is nice and all, but she can’t shake a certain feeling of ennui. People seem to think she should be settling down with a nice guy and maybe some kids, but she’s not sure whether she wants that. Eventually, she ends up at a celebration of domesticity where she snaps, drinking too much and having a huge screaming tantrum that...
My Bohemian Life: Dream vs. Reality
I wanted to be an artist by this point in my life—or, more accurately, the version of an artist we see all the time in Sundance movies. All through adolescence, I imagined myself in my 20s looking not unlike the sexy courtesans in Moulin Rouge before Nicole Kidman dies, when they’re still happily sleeping with artists and wearing kimonos to bed. Here are a few of the hopes and dreams I had that...
Because I’m Only 23, These Hobbies are Quirky Not...
1. Wearing frumpy second hand shop sweaters
While the oversized, pastel-colored Bill Crosby tributes I pick up at hipster consignment shops appear frumpy and dated on women over 35, they are acceptably quirky and adorable when I sport them with leggings and ankle boots. These hideous commodities were produced and hit their demand/value peak before I was even born, therefore no one can claim my...
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Santa’s Eight Little Reindeer, Ranked from My...
8. Cupid or Custer or Some Shit Like That: You know who I’m talking about. The one between Comet and Donner in the song. Is it Cupid? Or Coopid? Well I don’t like you, man. Can’t even remember your name. Forget you.
7. Next up, um, Donner, yeah, let’s go with him: According to the claymation film, wasn’t Donner technically speaking Rudolph’s surrogate father? Or was Donner putting on a little...
A Response to “Quit Blaming the Media for...
One of the best things about The Tangential is the fact that we often disagree, and are free to write about it if we do. This is one of those moments.
I’m not sure I could disagree more with today’s post by Becky Lang, “Quit Blaming the Media for Unrealistic Expectations of Beauty.” Obviously I don’t believe the media are squarely to blame – that would be reductive and ignorant. But what I do...
Why Nobody Likes a Kiss-Ass
1. 90% likelihood they’re trying to sleep with your mom. Everybody knows her cookies aren’t “divine.”
2. Kiss-asses never say anything interesting in class and look positively crushed whenever they get a B. B is for “boring,” suck-up.
3. Fear of being controversial suggests supreme fear of being disliked suggests supreme feelings of inadequacy suggest kiss-ass quietly suspects that they are...
Quit Blaming the Media for Unrealistic Standards...
Among the many messages I heard tirelessly growing up, “the media creates an unrealistic standard of beauty” never seemed to get old. While this phrase had good intentions – “Hey honey, it’s OK to have bacne and cellulite, those hot people in that magazine aren’t real!” – the effect of hearing this was always bittersweet.
I grew up a chubby kid, and when I consciously tried to slim down at age...
Some Sucky Things About Being Norwegian
1. Every gift your family has ever bought you is from the “Winter Sports” section at REI because all your Norwegian family ever does is ski and snowshoe and stuff. You’d think that making snow angels would also be an acceptable Norwegian past time, but you’d be wrong because it involves to much emotion (smiling, laughing, etc.).
2. Passive Aggression is your middle name. Actually, your middle...
How to Be a Creepy Neighbor
-Invite Mormons over to talk with you on your porch at least once a week.
-Walk around carrying a drill.
-Put a bin outside that says “Please recycle roadkill here.”
-Make a bunch of true-to-size of prints of your face and put them in all of your windows.
-Leave your neighbor a note that says, “I think we were neighbors in another life. :)”
-Start mailbox conversation by updating your...