February 2012
175 posts
4 tags
How to Act Like a “Social Media Expert” on...
Facebook
• Friend everything that moves.
• Post lots of links about various topics and tag the names of anyone who might conceivably be interested.
• When someone famous dies, immediately post “RIP [Person Who Died]. You will be missed.” Get 83 Likes.
• Complain about how Facebook is always changing their features, but express hushed awe about the next Facebook development, which you happen...
FAQ For Letting Your 25-Year-Old Intern Run Your...
Should I let my 25-year-old intern run my major publication’s Tumblr? Yes you should. Everyone on Tumblr is ~25 and wants to sit around and look at GIFs of Stephen Colbert and Amy Poehler in between reading 2-sentence recaps of real news from the world outside of Tumblr. You need someone who understands this complex social sphere and can know when to make your publication look hip by reblogging...
Oscar Porn Parodies Now in Production
Transformers: Dark of the Moon becomes Trans Porn Stars: Dork Was Once Poon
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy becomes Tease Her Tweak Her Spread Her Thighs
War Horse becomes More Whores!
Albert Nobbs becomes Slobber Knobs
The Barber Of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movement becomes A Blumpkin In Nottingham: Deep Hummer To Rancid Bowel Movement
A Separation becomes A Sperm Tastin
...
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How to Really Suck as a DJ
“I think I’m some huge expert so I’m going to fade all the songs out early and skip to the next ones.” Many great dance songs are like this: verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge with an awesome buildup, most intense chorus yet. If you skip the part of Cee-Lo’s F*ck You where everyone gets to scream “WHY? unh WHY? unh WHYYY?” because you’re doing some kind of DJ trick I’ll bash your skull in. No...
10 Personal Tidbits I Considered Including in My...
Once, while traveling by plane, I tried to recall how many times I’ve flown in my life. My family likes to travel. It’s a good thing I don’t have a flying phobia, I thought. Then I considered an aerophobe’s reasoning, and suddenly realized that I was in fact THOUSANDS OF MILES above ground in a steel coffin with any amount of safety shortcuts. I’ve been afraid of flying ever since.
When a...
2 tags
A Phone Call with a Former Classmate That Should...
Me: “Hey man!”
Sean: “Dunstan…I’ve got a problem.”
Me: “Oh?”
Sean: “I have 25 students at this technical college. And 19 of them are from completely different countries. So they each make 19 different mistakes.”
Me: “Sucka.”
S: “It’s like the level below regular freshman. And they all hate it. It’s the fifth time most of them are taking English.”
Me: “I had one of those classes once. But...
4 tags
What Kid Rock Sees in Mitt Romney
Every former-white-rapper knows his base: rednecks. Rednecks aren’t able to actually come out and like hip-hop because Lil Wayne stickers don’t look dope on a four-wheeler. But, white guys rapping next to chipped-paint barns and whiskey distilleries pass the test. And with former-super-redneck candidate Rick Perry (“these bills have too many words!”) now gone from the competition, and Ron Paul a...
3 tags
Bruce Chatwin Visits the Land of Tumblr
The young girl posted a pensive #GPOY and rolled deeply into her duvet. Only yesterday she’d been reblogging unicorns, but on this day she felt an overwhelming ennui that would come to engulf her until she’d be awakened by the scent of chicken nuggets crisping in the oven.
Further down the dashboard, an aspiring poet posted a few spare lines about the futility of attempting to share love unless...
What Your Bed Covers Say About You
You recently posted a photo of your new comforter on Facebook and/or Tumblr: You’re a 20- or 30-something with a relatively boring office job that stresses you out, but leaves you with enough expendable cash to frequent Happy Hour almost every night, get sushi delivered, and order comforters with bird prints from IKEA and West Elm. You’re single.
You have a duvet, but no duvet cover: You asked...
How to Dismantle Your Rick Santorum
Rick Santorums in your home or on your property need to be on all the time to alert you and your family of any threats to God’s favorite country. But if your Rick Santorum starts going off accidentally, you will need to dismantle him. Every Rick Santorum secular siren is designed slightly differently, but you can turn off the alarm within minutes after locating his battery and disengaging his...
Let's Play a Headline Game
Give us some wacky-ass headlines (or some real prompts for things you want us to “noodle on”) and if we like it we’ll write it!
Tani Party: Little-Known B-Sides from Ani DiFranco...
A lot of people don’t know about these lesser known hits from singer-songwriters, 90s’ indie queen, Ani DiFranco, and vintage country darling, Tammy Wynette. Enjoy them today.
From Ani DiFranco’s Criterion Collection:
She Ate A Bird Why
Blring Goes My String
Kokopelli (How Dare You)
Slouch Hat
Educate Yourself In My Pregnant Pause And Body
No
They Go In They Car
Menstraisch
Mc Skat Cat...
1 tag
Other Important Things I Was Attending to During...
Nine months ago: One night, while I was listening to classical music and cleaning my oven, I noticed your Facebook status: “Got together with some new guys tonight to jam. Project might be down the road. Really stoked.” I didn’t pay much attention, figuring your last three or four efforts had remained convincingly “basement” status. But I “liked” your status just the same.
Seven months ago: You...
Heroes vs. Misfits vs. Lost
Philosopherlikes suggested I should have compared The Misfits to Heroes. Funny that you should say that, since I was thinking about that as well. They are more similar in some ways, than Lost and The Misfits. I chose Lost for two reasons:
1. I think more people watched it than watched Heroes.
2. I can’t resist the urge to pick on people who loved Lost.
But yes, I initially liked Heroes...
How “The Misfits” Does Everything “Lost” Tried to...
I watched every single episode of “Lost” just to make sure that I was informed in my decision to rate it as “sucky.” Out of boredom, I’ve been watching “The Misfits” on Hulu, and after an impressive episode about time traveling to kill Hitler, it occurred to me that it is the perfect version of “Lost” for people who totally hated “Lost.” Here are “Lost’s” schticks, and how “The Misfits” beats...
Oscar Categories that Should Exist
-Best old guy who should probably get an award before he dies -Attendee who looks like she ate the most placentas, thus rendering herself inexplicably young -Best person in audience who can explain what sound mixing is -Hottest mom who accompanied her famous son as a date -Most precocious child actor/best performance of mild mental condition plaguing the school systems -Announcer who clearly...
How to Tell if Your Friend is From the Future,...
1. Pectorals The first place to look is the pectorals, which are the one body part that changes most over time. Do they look firmer than they did just before? Suddenly saggy? This could be an indicator that your friend is back from 4 years into the future, where either a tragic mistake has rendered their chest droopy, or heroic bravery has given them the pec muscles of a time travel titan.
2....
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Social Media Psycho Killers
Craigslist Killer Modus operandi: Lures you in with promise of $100 couch that may or may not have bed bugs. Motive: Needs to satisfy sexual and murderous instincts built up from sitting on bed bugs couch alone watching Hoarders for the last three months. Trademark: Portrayed as handsome go-getting blonde man in Lifetime movie.
LinkedIn Liquidator Modus operandi: Schedules a meeting at...
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Male Journalists Are Looking Too Sexy, Too
Conservative commenters have been expressing concern that women journalists are going for “the sexpot look,” undermining their credibility and that of their profession by using their sex appeal to draw viewers’ eyeballs.
As a male journalist, I ask: where in this furor is the criticism of the men? It’s hard enough trying to make a living in this shrinking field without feeling pressured to...
Pop Star-Themed Breakfast Cereals
• Kelly Clarkson’s Guarini Hair Doodles
• Carrie Underwood’s Jesus Wheels
• Bon Iver’s Cabin Logs
• John Mayer’s Big Mouths
• Britney Spears’ Snap Crackle Babies
• Lady Gaga’s DADDY’S ANGRY [contents of a garage toolkit in a bowl]
• Chris Brown’s Black Eyed Pea Puffs
• Clay Aiken’s Wheatabix Long Wheats
• Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Proactiv-O’s
• Madonna’s Age-Reducing Blood of a Younger...
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Harry Potter Characters I’d Consider Wanding
Cho: Harry’s first crush was our first crush…on a fictional, young sorceress. The book doesn’t have pictures. So we can’t tell her babe-factor. But Harry’s always had good taste. And in your male, adolescent angst (while reading the first books), you had no other object—other than maybe Professor McGonagall—to project your nascent sexual urges. So, it was Cho.
Luna Lovegood: I was super...
What the First Publication You Read in the Morning...
The Huffington Post: You are the equivalent of a windchime. You just hang out, going wherever the forces of nature gently blow you. This likely means that you work in PR.
The local news: You are my dad.
An iPad-based “smart app” that aggregates news based on its growing understanding of your unique interests: You are a marketing executive. You are drinking coffee your wife carefully selected...
1 tag
Wishlist for EVEN MORE New Facebook Features
-A stream that people don’t realize is publicizing what porn they’re watching.
-Ads for ringtones that automatically play upon rollover.
-A “glitterize” feature that lets me digitally “pour glitter” all over my profile.
-A pop-up that will ask me to rate my Facebook experience with a simple survey.
-Notifications that slowly float down the screen telling me what my friends are listening to...
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Popular Items Among Colonial Puritans on Pinterest
Indian corn decorations, presented by friendly Natives who subsequently died of smallpox.
Baby swaddler with loop for hanging on the wall.
Stiff black hat with a tiny pamphlet of favorite Bible verses tucked into the headband.
Hand-woven dolls to hang above the hearth to remember how many of your children have died.
Corporal-punishment paddle with hand-carved heart.
Form-fitting smock with...
What Your Favorite TV Shows Can Do for You
Glee
At last, a show for the socially isolated dreamer! Don’t stop believing; despite your “geekiness,” you can rise to the top of a highly polarized social hierarchy like high school*
*note: only applicable to conventionally attractive geeks harboring untapped Broadway-grade talent
True Blood
Cancel your tanning salon membership and decrease your melanoma risk, but more importantly...
What the Pope Would Need to Tweet For Me to Go...
The Vatican doesn’t take official stances on presidential elections, but seriously, #Santorum is an #assface. Ok. So sailor-talk aside. I still think this thing is do-able. Don’t you Benedict? I mean, Santorum has unwittingly become the face of U.S. Catholics. And while that slot—the face of U.S. Catholics—has never been a particularly good-looking one, you could make an argument that that was...
1 tag
Ten Things That Annoyed Me About Being a Cub Scout
I felt peer-pressured into joining. I didn’t want to miss out on what everyone else was doing, even if it was sort of annoying.
Cub Scouts are all boys. I always preferred to hang out with girls, so that was strike one.
Weird animal symbology. My “Wolf Pack” was Den 4, about a dozen of my grade’s most obnoxious boys. But before we could be Wolves, we had to be Bobcats, and then we graduated to...
girl from the north country.: questions i'm afraid... →
fromthenorthcountry:
in response to dunstan.
really? sweet pickles?
you’ve got condoms, right?
you mean you know that people can see you changing through your window?
is that bleach i smell in the shower? geez, how often do you clean?
wow. i sent you this last week, and it’s already framed and prominently displayed on your wall?
is this your journal? who is “matt?” why is there a...
4 tags
Questions (That Don’t Have Reassuring Answers) You...
How old are those pickles?
Why is there a condom floating in your toilet?
Did you know people can see you changing from your window?
What is that smell coming from the shower?
Hey! I sent you this weeks ago, why haven’t you opened it?
Is this your journal? Who is “Ashley?” Why are there hearts around her name?
Did you pay that ticket yet?
Whose blonde hair is this?
Ummm, so, nice...
Other Things Your Nike Fuelband is Monitoring
-How much of your arm action looks suspiciously like nose picking.
-Judging by the precise oxidation levels on your skin, whether or not you’re having an extramarital affair. Bonus app lets your wife secretly track all skanky perfume scents your wrist encounters.
-Whether you’ve bought a Starbucks Indivisible wristband or you hate job creation.
-How jealous your Livestrong bracelet is of the...
Other Evil Things You Didn’t Know About the Girl...
-Their leaders have them make “collages,” where they cut up magazines like Redbook and Playgirl and make visual representations of their plans to go to liberal arts college and study queer theory. We’re not sure what queer theory is, but we think it is a crash course in homesexual intercourse methods that produces unemployable graduates who go immediately on welfare.
-They bake cookies but...
To Walk a Mile in Santorum's Shoes
I don’t think you understand how hard it can be, guys. Having a patriarchal monotheistic God, who only used to talk to illiterate nomadic desert peoples, yammering in your ear 24-7 is super tough! It’s always “Don’t use condoms! Your sperm is the cereal and your wife’s vagina is the bowl, and spilling cereal outside the bowl is just a waste of cereal!” or “Only sluts, democrats, feminists, and...
1 tag
Words Artists Are No Longer Allowed to Use In...
Light
Dialogue
Rediscovered
Reflections
Tapestry
Movement
Gesture
Foundations
Merging
Encounter
Visions
Juxtaposition
Deconstruction
Exploration
Collision
- Jay Gabler, Becky Lang, Dunstan McGill, and Jason Zabel
Photo by Wonderlane (Creative Commons)
A Guide to Life as a Cool Christian Bro
Jesus. The first thing for a cool Christian bro is Jesus, gotta be down with JC. He died for everyone and His doing so opened the way to heaven, which is going to be the best time ever. Dave Bazan, he’ll be there, playing his guitar. Mark Driscoll, he’ll be there, giving a sermon on why certain angels don’t fly correctly. Gandhi, he’ll be there…kidding, of course!
Sex. Even though it’s better...
Gawkerizing Huffington Post Headlines
HuffPo: ESPN Crosses Line with Offensive Lin Headline Gawkerized: Surprise, Surprise, There’s a Racist Idiot at ESPN
HuffPo: Is THIS What the iPad 3 Will Look Like? Gawkerized: Let’s Unintelligibly Speculate About the Next iPad
HuffPo: Emma Watson: Journalists Asked Me If I Was a Lesbian Because of Haircut Gawkerized: What? We Thought Hermione Was a Lesbo, Too
HuffPo: Republican Lawmakers...
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2012′s Most Dangerous Idea: If We Deny the...
“I have a dream,” said Dr. King, “that that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.”
For all the hard-earned and justly-celebrated progress America has made since the 1960s—including, most dramatically, the election of an African-American president—we’re still a very, very long way...
How I’ve Dramatically Re-Shaped My Mild Run-Ins...
• At the age of 8 in 1993, I phoned 911 when my dad refused to play catch with me in the backyard. I hung up immediately. But blue phoned back, forcing my mom to give me a crash course in “proper apologies.” Later at the swimming pool, I told my friends there had been two squad cars and (for hyperbolic effect) the “jaws of life” parked outside my house for hours.
• At the age of 17 in 2002,...
Playground Personal Brands
Kid With ADHD Who Can’t Stop Quoting Quagmire from Family Guy™
“Gemstone Expert” Boy Who Gets Along Better With Girls™
Girl Going Through Puberty Early Who is Embarrassed About Her Sports Bra™
Boy Who Doesn’t Get He Shouldn’t Throw Balls Hard at Special Needs Kids During Dodgeball™
Windpants Guy™
Kid Talking About R-Rated Movies He’s Seen Cuz His Parents Don’t Give a Fuck™
Precocious...