Other Things Your Nike Fuelband is Monitoring
-How much of your arm action looks suspiciously like nose picking.
-Judging by the precise oxidation levels on your skin, whether or not you’re having an extramarital affair. Bonus app lets your wife secretly track all skanky perfume scents your wrist encounters.
-Whether you’ve bought a Starbucks Indivisible wristband or you hate job creation.
-How jealous your Livestrong bracelet is of the lowered real estate on that go-getting wrist.
-All the drugs you’re taking and, via Blue Tooth, everything you’re torrenting … because THE GOVERNMENT!
-How many sperm you’ve hosed upon the world. Or is that just a Shakeweight you’re “fueling up” with?
-Whether or not your wife is pregnant, if it’s yours, how many calories the fetus is burning, the future child’s desired name, upon birth, as well as it’s nickname while wombing it up. “Clancy.”
-Bonus NikeFuel life points whenever you sensually plunge your hand into a barrel of beans at the market, “just for the feeling.”
-How often you’re smoking cigarettes and/or pot whereupon it will just read, “Really?” “Again?” or “:(“
-How many Facebook friends defriend you for over-reporting the amount of NikeFuel you earned.
