The problem with goddamn Mr. Coffee carafes is that they spill all over the goddamn place.
Fill all the dishes in the sink with water. Even if they don’t need to soak, it’s just fun to fill them with water.
Yuppies are ruining everything.
Always turn the overhead light on in a room. It’s bad for your eyes to not have enough light.
It’s okay to un-friend someone for using too much vulgar language on Facebook.
Most golfers are better off using a low iron off the tee rather than trying to use a driver.
Put an ellipsis (……) at the end of your e-mail subject lines to make people curious about what’s in the body of the e-mail.
It’s possible to live an entire life without ever going to the Mall of America.
Never let your gas tank get less than half full; that way you’ll never run out of gas.
There’s absolutely no need to drive above the speed limit.
A good host keeps his bathroom well-stocked with reading material and handheld electronic games.
When you go on vacation, leave your air conditioner running. Sure it’s expensive, but that way you’ll never get robbed: a robber would never think you’d go on vacation and leave your air conditioner running.
Don’t jog. It’s bad for your knees, and anyway, you never see a jogger smiling.
Life is too short to follow a dog around picking up its shit.
Last Father’s Day: “Some of What I Really Need to Know About Life I Learned From My Dad”