“Would You Be Snooki’s Nanny for the Power to Make People Instantly Drunk” and Other Cosmo Questions, Answered by Me
Would you give up a year of your life to sleep with Ryan Gosling?
No. I find him creepy.
Would you give your boss a butt facial for a monthlong, all-expenses-paid vacay on a private yacht?
I don’t know where to begin with this. First of all, my bosses are all men – and fathers, at that – so this feels just morally wrong. Probably weirder and grosser and just more bizarre than “sleeping your way to the top.” Plus, butt facials are relatively new procedures. They seem ambiguous and requiring of many steps. So no, I would not do this.
Would you vajazzle your frenemy’s hoo-ha to have anything you want from Tiffany’s?
Absolutely. First of all, my frenemies all have very approachable hoo-has. Top quality, my frenemies. I can give you their waxers’ info if you want. I don’t care about Tiffany’s but it would be worth it just for the awkward experience.
Would you watch porn with your parents for a thousand dollars?
We already watched a sex-scene or two together accidentally in movies, and my mom has actually requested that I show her “a gay porn” so she can see how gay sex works. So sure.
Would you never speak to your BF again to trade lives with Duchess Catherine?
No. Kate Middleton seems boring .
Would you spend three years on a deserted island with Ryan Reynolds?
I don’t really like him since when I see his face I think of the dog sperm donuts in Van Wilder. That said, if this island is pimped out enough I would consider it. Lots of free coconut water, on islands.
Would you sleep with a rat in your bed every night for a month to have the ability to fly?
Sure. As long as it’s not like a rabid rat. I would be extra interested if I knew we might have a Cinderalla-Gus friendship dynamic.
Would you listen to LMFAO’s Party Rock for 72 hours to flour-bomb your ex (and not get caught)?
I don’t know what flour-bombing is and I just figured out what LMFAO was. You’re making me feel old, Cosmo. But yes I would. Seems like my ex-deserves a good flour-bombing … ?
Would you adopt Jill Zarin’s speaking voice if it meant you could sing like Adele?
Who the heck is Jill Zarin? Gonna go with no. My whole personality is basically built around not being able to sing and feeling awkward when others are expressing moments of joy through song.
Would you pull out one of your front teeth, hangover-style, to win an Oscar?
Would you give up sex to be able to eat everything you wanted yet magically be thin?
I feel like the answer you’re supposed to give is, “No way! Sex is freakin’ awesome. What’s the point of being thin if it doesn’t get you laid?” But don’t pretend you don’t consider it for a minute. But still, no way.
Would you sweat like a fat guy [pictured: Hurley from Lost] sans deodorant for the summer for a sick beach house?
Cosmo you’re so mean! Quit hating on Hurley. Also yes. I’d be like “Deal with my stanky pits, friends, if you wanna get in my ‘sick beach house.’”
Would you run naked through your place of work for a sweet promotion and a corner office?
I don’t think it would work at my work cuz we don’t have promotions or offices really.
Would you give up your memory of the last five years if you knew the next five years would rock?
“Rock” is way too vague a term for me to negotiate my memories of the last five years for. So no.
Would you lick the entire end zone to get to swipe Tim Tebow’s V-Card?
The idea that he’s a virgin seems questionable but I don’t exactly know much about Tim Tebow. I would have to say yes, just for the story.
Would you get a face tattoo for five million dollars?
Would you change your name to McLovin’ to become famous?
If you guarantee that it would work.
Would you be Snooki’s nanny if it gave you the power to make people instantly drunk?
Give the intern that wrote this question a promotion. All of that sounds absolutely magical. Maybe I’ll write a kids’ book about it.
Would you agree to be eight months pregnant for two months if it means you’d never get sick?
Hmmm. I would almost rather do the opposite. But I might consider this. Being pregnant seems really hard, especially at 8 months, but … cancer really sucks.
Would you give up your sense of taste for the ability to read people’s minds?
Yes, although I might turn out like the lady in Sideways Stories from Wayside School who has an ear on top of her head that lets her read minds and gets really bitter knowing all the terrible thoughts people have. (Until she hears a baby and just hears “pure love.” Aw.) Are you gonna say that losing my sense of taste would also make me lose weight? I knew you were going there.
Would you vomit in front of your crush for a free Louis Vuitton bag?
I think being the kind of girl who would do that would make most crushes vomit.
Would you shave your head, just one time, for a lifetime of perfect hair days?
Sure, and give it to charity so I look extra cool or something.
Would you give your boyfriend’s mom a pedicure if it meant you’d never get a pimple again?
Sure. More for the bonding experience.
Would you give up chocolate to wake up every day already dressed and perfectly primped?
I like getting dressed and primped. And also chocolate. So no.
Would you flash your dentist if it ensured you’d have healthy, pearly white teeth your whole life?
A million times over. Bye bye teeth anxiety, hello my breasticles.
Would you agree to have a permanent cold for Angelina Jolie’s face and Gisele’s body?
I think it would be creepy if suddenly I had a sneezy Angelina Jolie face, but I might take the Gisele body, although can I make it short? I like being short.
-Becky Lang is starting to genuinely love Cosmo