If U.S. Presidents Were Disney Characters
John F. Kennedy: Prince Eric
John and Eric grew up royally and spent their childhoods sitting on ornate palace balconies, wistfully looking out at the Atlantic ocean from Massachusetts and Scandinavian shores. Both had an affinity for brunettes (Jackie O, Ursula in disguise), but were open to all kinds of poon—including the ginger/fish variety. John’s sparkling eyes were tragically snuffed out prematurely, but at least there’s still one handsome dreamer left to kiss the girl.
Richard Nixon: Pinocchio
These smiling puppets blossomed in the fairy tale sunshine of magic villages and California, working with honest folks and scoundrels as they found their places in their respective kingdoms. These gentleman of prominent schnozzes were both caught with their pants down in the process of learning the lesson that a lie keeps growing “until it’s as plain as the nose on your face.” Jiminy Cricket!
Jimmy Carter: Dumbo
Jimmy and Dumbo both come from humble roots. Jimmy, the only U.S. president to live in subsidized housing; Dumbo, a misshapen elephant delivered to a travelling circus train car by stork. Dumbo and Jimmy both had an affinity for peanuts, though Jimmy liked to farm them and Dumbo preferred popping them into his mouth with his trunk. It took dumbo many a clown performance to end up soaring around the circus tent on his ginormous ears, just as it took Jimmy two gubernatorial runs before he gained the air that would take him flying straight to the oval office.
Theodore Roosevelt: Tarzan
Tarzan and Teddy can tell you that sometimes, the only way to get through the day is to go out and kill a Cheetah. Or battle one with your bare hands while chomping on exotic fruit simultaneously. These two certainly swung from the same vine, valuing loyalty, equality, and man sports. Be it via safari or feral childhood, there’s no question these Ts were kings of the jungle.
Bill Clinton: Aladdin’s Genie
Democratic presidency was kept bottled up in a little golden lamp for more than 20 years before the American people rubbed out this magician. What do you need? A stable economy? Poof! What do you need? Omnibus budget reconciliation? Poof! What do you need? Medicaid reform? Poof! Clinton outruns the genie in that he can kill people, he can make someone fall in love (hey Monica), and he’ll damn well try to bring people back from the dead.
William Henry Harrison: Bambi’s Mom
The Great Princess of the Forest and the ninth president of the United States both reigned with grace and left their kingdoms too quickly. It was the cold bullet of a mean hunter that took Bambi’s mom, and an overzealous approach to public speaking leading to pneumonia that claimed the eloquent commander-in-chief. The Whig party missed their fallen hero almost as much as all the wild forest partiers missed the baddest doe ho in the thicket.
Barack Obama: Robin Hood
These two foxy, left-leaners are all about helping out the little guy. Hood spent his career sneaking into Prince John’s room to steal gold for the poor, while Obama spearheaded wide-scale health care reform and other initiatives to assist the masses. Social critics and big corporate enemies aside, Obama and Robin know how to take aim at their targets, be it an apple balanced on little John’s head or Osama bin Laden.
Ronald Reagan: Mufasa
There’s no question that these pride leaders were giants during their administrations, but it was in death that they became icons. You can’t walk get through a field of tall grass in Africa without hearing “Simba…..REMEMBER” and you can’t get through a right-wing radio show or RNC event without soaking in murmurs of Reagan’s mystical legacy.