If Kristen Stewart Can Publicly Apologize for Cheating, So Can I: A Prepared Statement To Be Yelled From My Front Porch
HEY NEIGHBORS! Yeah, that’s right, Larry and Sue, I’m talking to you. Don’t pretend you’re not listening—just come on out and have a seat. Bob and Deb, you’d better hear this too. College kids next door, stick your beers in some coozies and get your asses out here. Mrs. Niedermeyer, I’m sorry, but you might hear some of this even though I know you’d rather not. Just turn Jeopardy up a little louder, and you’ll probably miss most of it.
So listen. I was very moved by Kristen Stewart’s decision to come right out and publicly apologize for letting a guy kiss her tits. That was brave of her. No, really! I’m telling ya, I was moved, and I thought, ya know, if this 22-year-old girl can have the balls to do that, then fuck it, so can this 53-year-old guy.
Okay, here’s the deal. It was…Jesus, when was it? Let’s say about 1998. Larry and Sue, Bob and Deb, you remember this. You college snots were still in diapers. Anyway, it was Sharon’s birthday, so I gave her a certificate for three months of house cleanings by Never Better Maid Service. There was a coupon in the paper. We called, they sent a maid. She did real good. She came on three Saturdays.
The first Saturday, I walked out in my boxers—no, it was not an accident—and the cleaning lady sorta giggled, told me I looked real good. The second Saturday, I suggested that Sharon go visit her mother. She went, the cleaning lady came, we banged. Boom. No protection even…Tiger Woods style, ya know? God, I was such a dumbshit. It happened again the next month, and then that was that. I got it outta my system.
Don’t look at me like you didn’t know! You fucking knew. Bob, I told you on the day it happened, I was so goddamn proud of myself, and you musta told Deb and she told Sue and Sue told Larry and maybe along the line someone even told these college kids. Someone even mighta told Mrs. Niedermeyer. MRS. NEIDERMEYER, DID ANYONE TELL YA? Aw, fuck it, she can’t hear. She turned up the TV.
Anyway, now it’s out there. Ya all know! No need to whisper about it any more, we can all just go ahead and say it right out loud. Any questions? Yeah, you, with the pink coozy. No, I didn’t kiss her tits. It wasn’t romantic like that. Other questions? Anyone? Yeah, Larry. What? No, I never tried to do it again. Well, not really. I mean, I kinda dropped a hint to Deb once, but…HEY! Gimme a break, Bob! This is honesty time, here! Where’s the goddamn circle of trust?
What’s that? Sharon? Yeah, she’s inside. I’m sure she heard all this. I’ll talk to her later or whatever. Just thought I’d do like Kristen here and just sort of take care of everyone with one public statement. I know you’re all disappointed in me, even if you haven’t seen the incriminating photos. I’m keeping those in the back of my nightstand. Those are for me, not the fucking paparazzi.
Okay, show’s over! You wanna toss me one of those brewskis, kid?