1. Try chalking it up to exhaustion.
Life in the limelight is exhausting. When you’re not sipping Starbucks after pilates class or getting in fender benders, you’re up early to be on Live! with Kelly Ripa. Of course you make bad decisions now and again when your blood sugars are so low from all that dieting to please America’s ruthless gossip hounds.
2. Go on Oprah and say you’re working on yourself.
Reveal something difficult about your childhood and admit you did something bad. Tear up.
3. Head to rehab.
More and more dirt is coming up about you. You need to prove you’re changing. Commit to 10 weeks in the best rehab in the country, where you’ll be treating your addictions to sex or stimulants or whatever made you do a bad thing.
4. Donate a bunch of money to a cause somehow relevant to the bad thing you did.
Visit an impoverished society to gain perspective on why you got bored enough to do bad thing.
5. Come back to reality but refuse to talk about it.
Schedule interviews with every major magazine and gossip channel. You’re finally ready to talk … about how you don’t like to talk about your personal life. That’s your business.
6. In your next major work, touch on ‘bad thing’ heavily through innuendo and schmalz.
Hire Kara DioGuardi to tell your story in a way that will tantalize teenagers with your new complicated, angry view on society, sexuality and their unfair perception of you.