1) Keep a day journal: Don’t forget to stay on top of the small yet vital things in life. You never know when the kids will need another nutritious celery stick smeared with peanut butter! Or when you’ll have to hire a new, $4,000 per week Venezuelan buttress to tend to their dietary needs while you’re on the campaign trail.
2) Putting Him first: Your career as a plastic surgery maverick must halt. Mitt needs to secure voter dollars and ensure, among other priorities, that the factory-ready model robo-Annrey domestic authority bot is a success in this trying market.
3) Blonde is the new brown: Carla Bruni-Sakrozy, nice try. American political wives must look like they just stepped out of a trailer filled with bleach, jizz, and 17 illegal skin-tightening products smuggled over from the Dominican Republic in the dead of night. You could almost swear she was born with those strawberry-golden ringlets.
4) We don’t want easy: No, we want it really, really hard. Hard like green velvet-coated Harvard dorm rooms, hard like marrying the facially-misshapen son of an old-money Michigan millionaire.
5) Laugh together: Mitt and I had a nice chuckle over the demise of the last independently-owned organic tomato and onion grower in Virginia. Claimed he was, like, the last of his tribe to preserve his native traditions and way of agriculture. We have a bigger bullshit radar than that nonsense trickery!
6) Be determined: Whatever your cause is, throw all five pounds of your taut collarbone at it full-force. For me, it’s baby pig abortion. And reinforcement of old-testament textile laws. And prohibition of flyaways.
7) Life isn’t simple: It’s full of tough choices. Choices like, do I choose the double-concentration green tea for my kids at Whole Foods, or will it give them the runs and drive Venezuelan buttress Maria into hormonal hysterics if she accidentally steals it from my double-platinum reinforced fridge?
8) Build your brand: You know those felted snowman Christmas tree ornaments you and your sextuplets made last fall? I hear cotton is real lean in Korea—grind that shit into pulp in your laundry room sink and ship it international before the boys wake up. If they’re bummed, tell them that snowmen only really matter to their girliest (read: incompetent, weak) classmates.
9) Don’t forget to love: The most tender moments are those tweeted across the county, screaming, “Dump those left-wing landfill lawmakers where they belong—out to sea!”
10) Your man will not fail: That’s because you mix him a morning protein shake comprised of a combination of elmer’s rubber cement, Michael Jordan’s sweat (thanks, Ebay!), and the ground remains of Thomas Jefferson.