1. Watching the monkey try on my clothes just to annoy me, but joke’s on the monkey cuz he looks super cute in my Forever 21 dresses, and when he angrily rips off my Target workout tanks he looks like an adorable, hairy, wimpy version of the Hulk.
2. Assuming that when my monkey takes a book I am reading and tears it to pieces that he’s subtly letting me know that my tastes are getting either too pretentious or too trashy.
3. Feeling flattered re: my baking skills when the monkey breaks into my fridge and eats all of last night’s leftover pistachio bars.
4. Giving my monkey a human-like name, especially a French name like “Francois” so that when I complain about him people will be like ” …. Who’s Francois? Your boyfriend? Oh … your monkey.”
5. Teaching my monkey basic signs in American Sign Language like “More bananas please” or ”I love you” or “When I die, bury me next to you” so that visitors to my studio apartment will get verklempt.
6.Teaching my monkey to ride around on my shoulder like a loyal pet and also empowering him to show his superiority to people’s parrots by mocking them via armpit-scratching gestures.
7. Convincing myself that all the friends whose shoes my monkey poops in “deserved it.”
8. Waking up to find my pet monkey crouching and staring at me like The Scream, and thinking, “Yes, monkey, life is terrifying, glad you are cognizant enough to understand that.”
9. Picturing my monkey riding around on some large dog like a human riding a horse.
10. Buying him a tiny hat that he will find insulting and quickly pitch across the room.
-Becky Lang has always wanted a pet monkey