1. I’m 80% certain there’s a family of small birds nesting between my air conditioning unit and the window frame. What? Oh, no no no. I don’t care if those little assholes live or die. They’ve been tweeting and scratching and, I don’t know, sword fighting or whatever the hell else is making those ungodly noises at six every frigging morning. I’ve just never been close enough to a startled bird to know if they scare the shit out of me or not, and I’m happy not finding out. Cost-benefit analysis.
2. It blends nicely with the aesthetic of the room. There are some books on my desk I haven’t gotten around to shelving, some clothes I’ve just sort of thrown over my closet door rather than bother putting in the closet, and three Batman: The Animated Series DVDs thatcould go in their case but won’t because who knows when I might find myself in an emergency Batman watching scenario. I call this aesthetic “perpetually not done,” and the AC unit is in keeping with it.
3. I haven’t opened that window blind for four months. Who knows what might be sitting on the back side of the AC unit. There could be a dead raccoon there, for all I know. Well I’m on the second floor so…a dead flying raccoon, I guess.
4. In the dark, only by the light of my cell phone, it looks like a big toothy monster. Which is fine, because it’s above the bed and not below. So I like to think it’s protecting me from all the below-the-bed winter monsters that are probably there, but I’ll never have to know because the air conditioning monster is scaring them off. “Brrrggrrgghghghh,” it says, settling into itself while I crawl into bed. “I love you too, AC. Thanks for having my back against those other monsters.” “crk crk,” it says, creaking in the wind. “No, it’s cool AC. I don’t mind if you see me naked.” Oh also I have to be really high for all of that.
5. Having a window unit in allows me to listen to relaxing ambient outside noises. Like garbage trucks, motherfucking loud ass bird jerks, neighborhood dogs singing the song of their people, and a couple of four year olds yelling in what I assume is Spanish. It’s like whale song with fewer whales.
6. Doesn’t the fact that I’m just going to have to put it in again in eight months mean that taking it out defies all logic? I mean, what would Aristotle say? I suppose he’d probably say “WHERE THE HELL AM I?! WHAT IS THAT CONTRAPTION?! WHY IS IT EXPELLING COLD AIR?! WHO ARE YOU?! HOW DID I GET HERE?! WHAT YEAR IS IT?!” only in Greek. But still, it seems an untenable decision.
7. It’s just sooooo heavy! Sure, I carried it to my car. And back out of my car. And up the stairs. And the law of conservation of energy dictates that matter can be neither created nor destroyed, so unless physics is different now it probably weighs about the same as it did in June. But it’s probably…or I’m maybe…Well no it’s not heavier, but…Look it’s just fucking staying there, okay? Leave me alone.