Transcript from the Show “Gals” by Lana Durham

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MITZY: Hey, Betty do ya like my bloomers?

BETTY: Mitzy! Those bloomers are way too small on you. [Whispers] I can see your tuckus! Why are you always walking around with your tuckus out anyway?

MITZY: [Jiggles breasts comically] Cuz I’m just that kinda gal! Try and stop me!

BETTY: Aw Mitz, your chichis are so small but you’re just so proud of ‘em! I wish I could be confident like you.

MITZY: But if you don’t love your cha chas then how are you ever going to open your legs for a boy?

BETTY: What? Why would I ever do that?

MITZY: So he can slip his ding dong in your hoo ha!

BETTY: What? I didn’t even know there was a hole down there.

MITZY: Well where do you think pee comes from? And what about your mensus? Have you ever even used a tampon?

BETTY: No … Isn’t that losing your virginity?

MITZY: Trust me, that little wand of cotton isn’t packing anything near what a real fellow packs. Try one right now!

BETTY: I guess I have been meaning to as it’ll make me slicker on the tennis courts …

[The two go into a bathroom for a lesson. Meanwhile, an oafish man starts banging on the door]

CARLISLE: Mitzy, come outta there! We’re supposed to go to the dance hall tonight! Hurry up already.

MITZY: Aw can it Carlisle! You’re like a caveman sometimes. Somebody outta put a muzzle on you!

CARLISLE: Do you have any milk? I’m parched! If I don’t get some calcium now I’m going to start getting shorter. And if I get shorter than you I’ll weigh less than you and then you’ll feel like a big ole broad!

MITZY: If I survived on nothing but milk and apple pie I’d be skinny and hairless like you too! Now hold tight while I teach Betty here how to shove a you-know-who up her you-know-what!

BETTY: [Whispers] Now Betty, I thought you broke up with that horror of a man! He doesn’t even say grace before dinner!

MITZY: Yeah but he really knows how to clean my clock if ya know what I mean! Why just the other day he turned a regular shower into a golden shower. It took me by surprise but a woman like me needs a man who sees what he wants and takes it.

BETTY: [Pulling up pants] Why do I even listen to someone like you? Now I’ve gone and broken my hymen because of you! What will a good god-fearing man think!?

[The two leave the bathroom and Mitzy lets in Carlisle]

CARLISLE: Oh hey, nice bloomers Mitz. Hey Betty, you should take a page from Mitzy’s book and show off your assets, now and again, know what I mean? You might not be so dry in the ole lady well!

MITZY: Carlisle! Quit talking to my gals that way. It’s downright disturbing.

CARLISLE: Oh you gals. There’s just no figuring you out!

[End scene]

-Becky Lang