Congratulations on Your Very Own Ricky Rubio!

I’m sure you want to jump right into life with your new Ricky, but let’s get to know him first.

Legend says that Ricky’s father was Javier Bardem and that his mother was a gentle doe who roamed the lush Iberian forests. One day when the doe came across a cool forest pond she bent down to take a drink. Suddenly she saw the reflection of Javier in the water across the pond, the moonlight caught her eye and when it twinkled Ricky Rubio sprang into being with a basketball spinning on his perfect finger.

Ricky loves to run around and smile, both in untended pastures and on professional basketball courts. Depending on the climate and the proximity of Kevin Love during your time with Ricky, he may grow a beard! It is rumored that his beard is as soft as a kitten and it is beneficial for his coat if you brush it two to three times a week.

Ricky eats a steady diet of honeysuckle flowers and dew drops. Because he is larger in person than he seems on TV you may be surprised to learn that he can eat as many as 26 pounds of honeysuckle flowers in a single day! Organic honeysuckle flowers are generally available year round at most Whole Foods, but dew drops can be harder to find. If you live in cool climates you can supplement with Gatorade during the winter months. He prefers brightly colored flavors to purple or blue.

When Ricky is tired at night, it’s best to wrap him in swaddling clothes and rock him gently. Speak to him in round vowels and gentle sounds at night while you’re putting him to sleep so that he will love you, have good dreams about NBA Championship rings and never leave you like Kevin Garnett did.

You may have brought Ricky home alone but in the days and weeks to come you may notice small packs of male college students getting more curious about your new friend. These males tend to wear sleeveless blue shirts and all white sneakers. You may hear their call – they repeat the word “Ole” in a series of haunting melodies. It it unknown wether this is a social call or a mating call, but it is known that if they become a nuisance, leave a case of Bud Light on the edge of your property. Be careful, though: if you leave too much or too often they may settle in the area.

Those are all the basics to get you started on your life with Ricky Rubio. Please remember that the most important thing is to have fun with your Ricky, and know that if he keeps hitting you in the face with his majestic no-look passes that it just means he likes you and you need to pay more attention to him.

Caution: Keep away from Kobe Bryant

-Lisa Olson

Illustration by Becky Lang

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