Five Things You Do at the Office That Make Me Secretly Want to Kill You

1. You sneen on casual Friday.

Sneening = sneakers and jeans. Sneening is an unnecessary evil visited on my workplace/our society that is cruel and unnecessary. What are you thinking? Clearly you aren’t thinking. I am no fashionista—in fact, I’m not even remotely fashionable—but I’m not retarded enough to wear a t-shirt, a pair of ill-fitting jeans, and a pair of shitty old sneakers. You clearly don’t use your sneakers to work out, so that’s no excuse.

2. You get paid more than I do.

And you’re younger than me. This is just plain jealousy. Fuck you.

3. You use buzzwords.

“Let’s get the optics on that.” “Going foward…” “I had an ‘a-ha’ moment.” Just because you are trying to inspire and lead a large group of people doesn’t mean you have license to be this lame. Seriously.

4. You ask questions at the end of a conference when the speaker asks if there are any more questions.

Do you realize we get to leave when you shut up? What, you’ve already asked three questions and are going back for one more? I don’t give a fuck, and I haven’t been paying attention for the past hour. Not only are you delaying me, you’re making me feel bad for not caring about global market trends and how this effects me as a practictioner. Oh, God, am I thatunprofessional? Am I the only person at this table who is struggling to stay awake? Feed my insecurity with your incessant annoying questions, will you? During my microsleeps I’m dreaming about feeding your genitals to goats.

5. You make small talk about days of the week.

“Not bad for a Tuesday, ha ha!” “Hump day!” “Another Monday, another week, oh gawd!” Can’t you see that I would rather make my coffee in awkward silence? Dickface.

- Mike O’Connell

From The Tangential archives: February 2012