10 Steps to Raising a Non-Mainstream Child

1. Find a sexy someone with minimalist tattoos and either a Cargo or Indexhibit personal site. Seal the deal.

2. Play the fetus Gorilla vs. Bear mixes.

3. You have a baby now! Buy it ironic bibs that say things like, “God is dead” or “I’m a loser baby/ So why don’t you kill me.” (We’re working on it, ok?)

4. Let your toddler watch TV, but know that it’s really watching you scoffing at inferior shows like “One Tree Hill.”

5. Use Tom’s of Maine toothpaste. Call water “aqua.”

6. Periodically introduce it to new gay godparents, just flown in from San Francisco.

7. When your child reaches puberty, it’s important to become completely mainstream yourself. Kids at this age are disgusted by their parents, so their sudden appreciation for The Ramones has to be a rebellion against your habit of listening to the Glee soundtrack in your minivan.

8. Refuse to give your growing teen money. You don’t want them spending it on Coach purses or trips to Cancun to drink Coronas and squint at female tan lines. Instead, guide them toward their first barista gig. Tear.

9. As a commemoration of sending your kid off to lib. arts college, have a competition to see (father/son) who can grow the best mustache (mother/daughter) who can last the longest on a raw diet.

10. As a last measure to exploit any rebellious tendencies, pretend you’ve “found Jesus” and text them about it using faux “teen speak.” Their disgust at you is a petrie dish of alt creative angst that will help them excel at their Foucault essays.