Like a lot of kids, my younger siblings and I liked to play office. We—that is, I—just took it a little more seriously than most. When I was in third grade, I got in trouble with my teacher for showing up at school with a briefcase and trying to distribute letters inviting my classmates to apply for positions with the Duluth Savings and Loan, the imaginary business my sisters (ages 5 and 2) and I ran out of our basement.
My mom is now getting ready to sell her house, and in cleaning out the basement we discovered that apparently, when I was almost 15 years old I was still at it. Not only was I still at it, I’d conducted an imaginary takeover of the imaginary Duluth Savings and Loan by the imaginary Gabler-Lutzka Entertainment Network, the multimedia production and distribution business that my friend Nathan and I pretended to run. I’d apparently given the Duluth Savings and Loan presidency—which had been mine from ages 7 to 14—to our family friend Kim Litwinczak, and I wrote a page-long single-spaced letter informing her how things were going to be from here on out. Presented here, with annotations, is the text of that letter.
Saint Paul, Minnesota 55104
March 8, 1990
Miss Kimberly Litwinczak
The Duluth Savings and Loan
[same address, again redacted]
Saint Paul, Minnesota 55104
Welcome to the new [imaginary] Duluth Savings and Loan! As you may or may not be aware of, the [imaginary] Gabler-Lutzka Entertainment Network recently purchased a majority of the [imaginary] stock in your [imaginary] company, and, as Co-President and holder of fifty percent of the [imaginary] G.L.E.N. stock, I am your new Chairman of the [imaginary] Board.
I think that you and your co-workers will find that being supported by a major [imaginary] company such as G.L.E.N. will greatly increase your [imaginary] company’s stability a great deal. I am anxious to work for you and with you.
You may have noticed a change in the look of your [actual] office. This is all on a scale with my grand plans for your [actual] office. My [actual] plan can perhaps be most easily described as having three steps:
1. Improve the office space’s look. I do not really want to change the look of your office so much as improve upon it. The new sign over the entrance to the office (which will be going up shortly) is a modification on the original sign, designed by award-winning [the award was probably imaginary] designer Jesse Osendorf [my actual cousin]. I intend to “spruce up” the walls with [actual] pictures and calendars depicting the city of Duluth, Minnesota, the mother city of your firm. I would also like to improve upon the desks and your personal decor. I will be doing this on a person-to-person basis. All modifications will be overseen by G.L.E.N.’s [imaginary] construction/remodeling division, which I am also the head of.
2. Extend the firm’s services. The major implement of this change will be the use of the adjacent space, which I have leased [in other words, my parents let me use sometimes], to contain the Superior Sports Arena [in other words, the place where we kept our ping-pong table], home of the Gabler Good Griefs table tennis team. The arena will be staffed and maintained by our [imaginary] sports division, which I am also the head of.
3. Increase the office’s efficiency. This will probably be the step that will be most felt by you and your co-workers. I intend to entirely re-organize the office’s inner mail system and position responsibilities. You will also feel dramatically the power of G.L.E.N.’s local 16-bit microprocessor [my TI-99/4A computer]. Particularly daunting tasks can be sent to our even-more-powerful Commodore 64 [belonging to Nathan’s parents] up in Duluth. I feel this is the step you will “get the most out of,” as it directly involves you and your personal productivity.
Of course, I will personally supervise all these steps. Please feel free to tell me about your feelings about this change. You may consult me freely when I am in the office, or you may call me at home at [phone number redacted]. My office number is [same phone number, again redacted].
Yours very truly,
Jason William Andrew Gabler
Chairman of the Board