Pros and Cons of Being a Snowman
Pros
High approval ratings
Process of creation features soothing full-body patdown
Constant pipe smoking considered a charming personal trademark
Flagrant defiance of traffic laws considered a charming personal trademark
Boob jobs and sex changes are cheap
Save money on antidepressants via being jolly/happy by nature
Banjo skillz
Hipster mustache/goatee, vest
Perpetual reincarnation
Cons
Can never roast chestnuts—or s’mores—over an open fire
Stalked by creepy magicians who want their hats back
Ambiguous relationship with Santa
Vague anxiety about global warming
Facial features vulnerable to being eaten by feral dogs and/or reclaimed for grilling purposes
That awkward half-melted period
Unsavory association with Burl Ives, folksinger turned anti-communist informer via House Un-American Activities Committee
Being kind of creeped out by your own ability to scoot through the snow leglessly, like a snake
Facing criticism from both anti-Christmas faction (re: being associated with Christmas) and pro-Christmas faction (re: having nothing to do with Jesus)
Reincarnation always comes in the form of a snowman, no matter how much karma you accrue
A 20th Anniversary “Muppet Christmas Carol” Drinking Game
Take a drink:
• Every time you see anthropomorphic food.
• Every time a bell or chime rings.
• Gonzo directly quotes Dickens.
• Rizzo asks Gonzo a question.
• Someone says “Merry Christmas” or “humbug.”
• Kermit’s mouth does that scrunched-up thing where it’s really obvious there’s a hand in his head.
• A Muppet runs frantically from one side of the screen to the other.
• Someone talks about being hungry.
• A genuinely scary ghost appears. (This definitely includes the creepy little-girl Ghost of Christmas Past, and might also include the ghosts of Christmas Present and Future.)
• A character suddenly reverses disposition for comic effect.
Finish your drink when:
• Scrooge’s fiancée Belle sings “When Love Is Gone” (for less drinking, watch the widescreen DVD or the BluRay, both of which cut this song).
• “God bless us, every one!”
- Jay Gabler and discreetly unnamed collaborators
(Source: thetangential.com)
Santa’s Eight Little Reindeer, Ranked from My Least to Most Favorite, Sorta
8. Cupid or Custer or Some Shit Like That: You know who I’m talking about. The one between Comet and Donner in the song. Is it Cupid? Or Coopid? Well I don’t like you, man. Can’t even remember your name. Forget you.
7. Next up, um, Donner, yeah, let’s go with him: According to the claymation film, wasn’t Donner technically speaking Rudolph’s surrogate father? Or was Donner putting on a little red, gym class coach hat, blowing a whistle at the little reindeer pups out on the ice?! Yeah, I like that. You’re okay, dude. Better than that last ambiguously-named screw up.
6. Dasher: I think there was a film about him, maybe from the late 80s or early 90s that may have sorta scared you as a kid? Like real, live reindeer—which is waaay scarier than claymation. But I like this guy because I think (if I’m remembering the film right) he taught me zoological differences between reindeer and your run-of-the-mill caribou (can’t fly).
5. Blitzen: Never received any face time in a major motion picture far as I know. But best name by far. Blitzen!? I mean, come on!? I bet he was a somabitch in those reindeer games! Am I right?!
4. Dancer: Um, booooring. You’re here just because I forgot about you till now. You mean nothing to me, Dancer. Go eat some hay.
3. Comet: Same as guy above you, except you got some home cleanser named after you. “Boys why don’t you go outside and play for awhile, I just sprayed Comet in the kitchen.” That’s all you mean to me. Did you even get a spot on the sleigh-pulling duties? Bet that stings a little.
(I’m actually having to Google the last two of these dummy quadrapeds)
2. Vixen: Likely the Amelia Earhardt of Reindeer. Busted through the glass ceiling. In terms of gender, if you’re a girl reindeer, can you have antlers? Maybe. I like this better if she’s a boy, though—maybe the one who keeps Santa on his toes.
1. Prancer: I don’t have time for this. Seriously? That’s his name? How would you like to be slapped with that name for eternity? I’d rather be an unhappy, wanna-be-dentist elf.
p.s. If I had my druthers, this list would be topped with Rudolph. But we all know he’s a fabrication of the American PR industry anyway.
(Source: thetangential.com)
Pros and Cons of Being a Snowman
Pros
High approval ratings
Process of creation features soothing full-body patdown
Constant pipe smoking considered a charming personal trademark
Flagrant defiance of traffic laws considered a charming personal trademark
Boob jobs and sex changes are cheap
Save money on antidepressants via being jolly/happy by nature
Banjo skillz
Hipster mustache/goatee, vest
Perpetual reincarnation
Cons
Can never roast chestnuts—or s’mores—over an open fire
Stalked by creepy magicians who want their hats back
Ambiguous relationship with Santa
Vague anxiety about global warming
Facial features vulnerable to being eaten by feral dogs and/or reclaimed for grilling purposes
That awkward half-melted period
Unsavory association with Burl Ives, folksinger turned anti-communist informer via House Un-American Activities Committee
Being kind of creeped out by your own ability to scoot through the snow leglessly, like a snake
Facing criticism from both anti-Christmas faction (re: being associated with Christmas) and pro-Christmas faction (re: having nothing to do with Jesus)
Reincarnation always comes in the form of a snowman, no matter how much karma you accrue
(Source: thetangential.com)
The Tangential’s Comprehensive Holiday Gift Guide for Everyone On Your Shopping List
For your boss: It’s the holidays, and spirits are high—so why not treat your boss to some spirits? Smirnoff is a nice safe middle-of-the-road vodka: you won’t look cheap, but you won’t break the bank either. It’s a safe bet to warm your boss’s belly.
For that really special someone: They won’t want to recycle this bottle! Le Billionaire vodka runs about $3.7 million a bottle, and they’ll remember your generosity every time they open the liquor cabinet and are blinded by the handcrafted diamond and gold detailing.
For your friend with a sweet tooth: UV cake-flavored vodka is deliciously trashy, especially when mixed with diet cherry Dr. Pepper.
For your danger-loving friend: Ow ow! Add some spice to your loved one’s life with Absolut Peppar.
For your really fucking pretentious friend: A bottle of Grey Goose (especially in one of those gaudy Chopard bottles) or Belvedere should grease his ego—not that his ego needs it.
For the shopper on a budget: At our benders staff meetings, Karkov fits the bill very nicely. Conveniently, the bottles are also plastic, so, you know, safety.
For the person who has everything: Build a home distillery and ferment some sorghum! The resulting vodka may taste nasty, but your recipient will know that you risked arrest just to get her a truly unique gift this Christmas.
For the person who doesn’t like vodka: Try whiskey.
(Source: thetangential.com)
