Christmas Place, Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. There are plenty of year-round Christmas stores in America, but what distinguishes this one is its sheer scale and scope. It’s as big as a museum, almost on the scale of a theme park: there’s a hotel, there’s a singing Santa, there are rooms upon rooms of densely-packed Christmas paraphernalia. Nearly every dimension of the commercial Christmas industry is represented here, from trees to candles to creches to candy. Best of all, the complex is built in the form of a giant miniature Christmas village. You would think that “giant” and “miniature” would cancel each other out, but somehow they don’t—that’s the magic of Christmas Place.
8. Cupid or Custer or Some Shit Like That: You know who I’m talking about. The one between Comet and Donner in the song. Is it Cupid? Or Coopid? Well I don’t like you, man. Can’t even remember your name. Forget you.
7. Next up, um, Donner, yeah, let’s go with him: According to the claymation film, wasn’t Donner technically speaking Rudolph’s surrogate father? Or was Donner putting on a little red, gym class coach hat, blowing a whistle at the little reindeer pups out on the ice?! Yeah, I like that. You’re okay, dude. Better than that last ambiguously-named screw up.
6. Dasher: I think there was a film about him, maybe from the late 80s or early 90s that may have sorta scared you as a kid? Like real, live reindeer—which is waaay scarier than claymation. But I like this guy because I think (if I’m remembering the film right) he taught me zoological differences between reindeer and your run-of-the-mill caribou (can’t fly).
5. Blitzen: Never received any face time in a major motion picture far as I know. But best name by far. Blitzen!? I mean, come on!? I bet he was a somabitch in those reindeer games! Am I right?!
4. Dancer: Um, booooring. You’re here just because I forgot about you till now. You mean nothing to me, Dancer. Go eat some hay.
3. Comet: Same as guy above you, except you got some home cleanser named after you. “Boys why don’t you go outside and play for awhile, I just sprayed Comet in the kitchen.” That’s all you mean to me. Did you even get a spot on the sleigh-pulling duties? Bet that stings a little.
(I’m actually having to Google the last two of these dummy quadrapeds)
2. Vixen: Likely the Amelia Earhardt of Reindeer. Busted through the glass ceiling. In terms of gender, if you’re a girl reindeer, can you have antlers? Maybe. I like this better if she’s a boy, though—maybe the one who keeps Santa on his toes.
1. Prancer: I don’t have time for this. Seriously? That’s his name? How would you like to be slapped with that name for eternity? I’d rather be an unhappy, wanna-be-dentist elf.
For your boss: It’s the holidays, and spirits are high—so why not treat your boss to some spirits? Smirnoff is a nice safe middle-of-the-road vodka: you won’t look cheap, but you won’t break the bank either. It’s a safe bet to warm your boss’s belly.
For that really special someone: They won’t want to recycle this bottle! Le Billionaire vodka runs about $3.7 million a bottle, and they’ll remember your generosity every time they open the liquor cabinet and are blinded by the handcrafted diamond and gold detailing.
For your friend with a sweet tooth: UV cake-flavored vodka is deliciously trashy, especially when mixed with diet cherry Dr. Pepper.
For your danger-loving friend: Ow ow! Add some spice to your loved one’s life with Absolut Peppar.
For your really fucking pretentious friend: A bottle of Grey Goose (especially in one of those gaudy Chopard bottles) or Belvedere should grease his ego—not that his ego needs it.
For the shopper on a budget: At our benders staff meetings, Karkov fits the bill very nicely. Conveniently, the bottles are also plastic, so, you know, safety.
For the person who has everything: Build a home distillery and ferment some sorghum! The resulting vodka may taste nasty, but your recipient will know that you risked arrest just to get her a truly unique gift this Christmas.
For the person who doesn’t like vodka: Try whiskey.