Baddest Bitch: Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty)
You almost have to respect the pure evil that this chick brings to the table. First of all, who walks around with a magical staff and a pet raven?! And who names that pet raven DIABLO? That’s some seriously #dark, Edgar Allen Poe-type shit right there. Like, we all have that insane aunt that we purposely try to exclude from family functions, and she’ll respond with a passive-aggressive Facebook post, or whatever. Maleficent don’t play that. She will straight-up curse your ass with a 16-year death spell.
Most Metrosexual: Peter Pan (Peter Pan)
From a sartorial perspective, Peter Pan is like the fairytale version of Johnny Weir. Peter was always flying around in that dope hipster fedora with the feather in its cap, that fetch leather belt and matching dagger holster, pointed-toe boots, and olive-colored tights that look like they may have inspired every pant Lululemon has ever produced. You take an independent dude who knows how to dress AND KNOWS HOW TO FLY, and it’s game over. No wonder Wendy was so warm for his form.
Most BFF Potential: Baloo (The Jungle Book)
Aside from the fact that he’s, um, a bear, Baloo seems remarkably laid-back for a traditionally intimidating creature. Perhaps he stumbled upon some killer herbal refreshments in the depths of the jungle (he does espouse living off the land in “The Bare Necessities”). Or maybe he’s on a perpetual Deepak Chopra kick. Whatever the reason, you can’t deny that it would be excellent to share a beer or three with homebear. Especially since he’d probably send you texts the next morning like, “Woke up in a grass skirt, WTF?” or “Did we join a drum circle last night, brother? LOL.” He’s pretty much the Matthew McConaughey of the Disney universe.
Best “Irish Goodbye-er”: Cinderella (Cinderella)
Cinderella inadvertently pioneered the “Playing Hard to Get” approach. By bouncing on the ball before midnight instead immediately shacking up with Prince Charming, she captured his attention in a big way that encouraged his pursuit. Everybody knows that dudes want what they can’t have, and this goes double for dudes who are princes, and as such are used to getting whatever they want whenever they want it. Cindy taught us that leaving unexpectedly and without warning—or, as they say, executing an “Irish Goodbye”—isn’t always a terrible idea.
Ultimate Bro: Gaston (Beauty and the Beast)
When he wasn’t participating in spitting matches or tromping around wearing boots, he was picking things up and putting them down all day in his poor provincial town. Today, you’d be sure to find this animated French meathead (better known as “G” to his boys) grunting at Planet Fitness in preparation for a big night of fist-pumping—Red Bull and Vodka in hand—at the club. Sure, it’s not explicitly stated in the movie, but we can all surmise that the REAL reason Belle rejected his marriage proposal was because he owned more hair products than she did.
Most Gangster: Winnie the Pooh (Winnie the Pooh)
There are two very notable things that are extremely odd, but make Pooh Bear endlessly endearing: 1) the dude gives zero fucks about anything except for honey and his crew, and 2) HE NEVER, EVER WEARS PANTS. OR UNDERROOS. A shirt that almost never covers his belly button? Sure. But pants? Never. And thing is, nobody ever, ever calls him out on it. He just wanders around, being super chill and crushing porcelain containers of honey without anything covering his genitals. You’ve got to be pretty intimidating to pull off some next-level shit like that. Everybody around Hundred Acre Wood is intimidated by Pooh—‘Topher Robin included.
Hugest Hater: Drizella (Cinderella)
What a miserable little troll, just trying to steal Cindy’s shine. You’ve heard of “bitchy resting face,” right? It’s a little known fact that Drizzy actually inspired the phrase. In addition to throwing regular shade at everyone and generally being a heinous shrew, this evil stepsister snatches our girl’s necklace and rips her ball gown to shreds like she’s auditioning for The Real Housewives of Fantasyland. Speaking of which, her sole aim in life is to marry rich and become a socialite. I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digger, but…
Best Goatee: Jafar (Aladdin)
Jafar is a huge douche bag with zero redeeming qualities who was essentially Scar from The Lion King in human form, but damn—he knows how to rock finely sculpted facial hair. It’s easy to see at first glance that Jafar was all over maintaining that thing, from the pencil thin mustache all the way to the long, curly-cued chin hair.
Best Bra: Ariel (The Little Mermaid)
Disney movies are strange for young boys to watch, because although the female characters are animated and clearly not real, they are drawn by some perverse cartoonists who make them look super womanly in a mostly anatomically correct way. Which can stir feelings of lust and arousal before young boys are old enough to even know what in the hell is going on. Scott’s probably not the only kid who was mesmerized at an early age by Ariel’s rack, which was contained only by a bra made from two gigantic seashells. (He doesn’t want to get into how he felt re: her having a mermaid’s tail and no legs. Talk about a wet dream!)
Coolest (Typically) Inanimate Object: Lumière (Beauty and the Beast)
Few can resist the allure of a French accent. And when it’s a candelabra with a French accent? Shut it down. A luminary with numerous talents, he not only plays matchmaker for Beauty and the Beast, but also basically organizes a full flash mob and multi-course gourmet meal while he’s at it. Don’t get me started on the time he mobilized the castle’s troops against that asshole Gaston and his bro posse. Lumière’s pimp game is strong, and he knows it.