POEM: Phrases I’ve Deleted When Repinning
!!! Love it!!
Love it!
for trips to the bathroom. This is awesome!
!!
So cute
I loved my
books!
You can do anything but don’t step on my pink suede shoes.
Love the
!
Cutest Ever
Holy sheeeeet.
Good for the kids for the 4th!
Love the letters
SO COOL—-
Just Love. cute picture !!!
Someday I will be glad I pinned this.
(Source: thetangential.com)
Items for a “Wedding Night” Pinterest Board
Bell jar of cocaine!
Vintage 19th-century bridal sack, with velcro-sealed holes for “cheating” ;–)
Hand-painted “Do Not Disturb (Yes, Mom, This Means You!)” sign for the door handle
Leatherbound condom/lube packs for the whole wedding party. Refill and reuse!
Condom-shaped slippers lol
Padded handcuffs embroidered with the couple’s name and wedding date. Fun idea!
Organic soap specially formulated to scrub the smell of Aunt Alice’s perfume away :–/
Sex wedge in a gazebo awwww
Tree house with mosquito netting—romantic and practical!
Vintage frame for saving and displaying the stained sheets. Special memories :’–)
- Jay Gabler and Heidi Thomasoni
(Source: thetangential.com)
Social Media Psycho Killers
Craigslist Killer
Modus operandi: Lures you in with promise of $100 couch that may or may not have bed bugs.
Motive: Needs to satisfy sexual and murderous instincts built up from sitting on bed bugs couch alone watching Hoarders for the last three months.
Trademark: Portrayed as handsome go-getting blonde man in Lifetime movie.
LinkedIn Liquidator
Modus operandi: Schedules a meeting at Starbucks, and talks the whole time about how impressed he is with the way you’ve leveraged your synergy to utilize your maximum potential. When you’re checking your BlackBerry, slips cyanide into your skinny half-caf vanilla latte. When you start to have trouble breathing, he leans in close to your ear and whispers, “You’re about to be subtracted from my personal network.” Disappears into the crowd as you seize up and slump to the floor.
Motive: Blames his continuing unemployment on your failure to leave a recommendation on his profile.
Trademark: On his way out, passes by the breakfast-sandwich giveaway bowl and drops a business card that says, “MR. DEATH. Vice-President of Grim Reckoning, Hell LLC.”
Tumblr Traitor
Modus operandi: Stabs you repeatedly in the back, yelling with each plunge of the knife, “Reblog! Reblog! Reblog! Like! Like! Like! LIKE! LIKE!”
Motive: You downloaded and uploaded his photo of a cat in a hamster ball to your own blog instead of reblogging, and it got you featured on the Tumblr Radar.
Trademark: Takes photos of the killing and makes a GIF that he posts to fuckyeahbloodymurder.tumblr.com.
Spotify Slayer
Modus operandi: Waits until you are hypnotized into a relaxed brainwave state from your favorite “chill tune,” and then says, “Have you ever wondered…if you deserve to be alive?” Then a girl and boy in windpants and sweatbands crawl out of your computer, Ring-style, and strangle you with jump ropes.
Motive: Hating on the 99% who don’t give enough of a shit about Spotify to pay for premium subscriptions and think they can get away with listening to copyrighted material for free without dealing with ads.
Trademark: After you are killed, Spotify posts to your Facebook saying you just listened to Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up.”
Goodreads Grenadier
Modus operandi: Throws a molotov cocktail through the window of your book nook.
Motive: After being rejected from the Iowa Writers’ Workshop, plotted to travel the country killing every single person who gave a five-star review to Gilead.
Trademark: Dresses like Oskar Werner in Fahrenheit 451.
Pinterest Murderer
Modus operandi: Lures you into a backroom at Crate & Barrel to give you a sneak peek of the newest spring collection. Then they lock the door, revealing the back room is actually a dungeon. You must now Pin 4 Your Life, posting as many delicious cookie recipes as you can in five minutes. If they are not delicious or wacky enough (no savory surprises?), you get spray-painted pink and mortified into a house accessory.
Motive: Driven mad by unreasonably high bar set in life for how delicious the idea of a cookie recipe could be.
Trademark: Messy bun.
Instagram Executioner
Modus operandi: Leaps out from under your kitchen table with a shotgun while you’re taking a picture of your omelet and cries, “Let me filter that for you!”
Motive: Spent two years as a political prisoner in a remote Tibetan jail where he was starved to the point of death. Was allowed to use his laptop, but the only social network that the government didn’t block was Instagram. Went insane.
Trademark: Takes a photo of your blood-spattered corpse and posts it to your Instagram account with a Kelvin filter and the tag #GPOY.
Path Psycho
Modus operandi: Steals your address book info and then shows up at your house when you are doing one of your favorite things, like enjoying a peppermint mocha, and declares, “It’s time to freeze your moments. Prepare to be paused!” (Yeah, Path talks weird.)
Motive: Jealousy over your devotion and activity on other social networks. “Why not me!? Why not meeeee!?”
Trademark: Leaves a press release for Path’s upcoming collaboration with Nike, signed, “So ha.”
Google Plus Minus Man
Modus operandi: Kills himself.
Motive: Loneliness.
Trademark: Leaves a suicide note on his Google Plus profile. Weeks go by before anyone realizes he’s dead.
- Becky Lang and Jay Gabler
Photo by Emerson Quinn (Creative Commons)
(Source: thetangential.com)
Popular Items Among Colonial Puritans on Pinterest
Indian corn decorations, presented by friendly Natives who subsequently died of smallpox.
Baby swaddler with loop for hanging on the wall.
Stiff black hat with a tiny pamphlet of favorite Bible verses tucked into the headband.
Hand-woven dolls to hang above the hearth to remember how many of your children have died.
Corporal-punishment paddle with hand-carved heart.
Form-fitting smock with stones double-stitched into pockets, for testing whether the wearer is a witch via throwing her into the river.
Blacksmith-forged weatherproof iron grappling hook, for dredging children out of wells.
Foolproof and attractive knots for hanging Quakers.
Miniature pewter stein for serving rum to fussy toddlers.
Bonnets with ribbons to tie under women’s jaws in church, to remind them not to speak.
Photo by Becky Brewer (Creative Commons)
(Source: thetangential.com)
Pinterest Boards that Capture my True Essence
-What I Want my Boyfriend to Wear Instead of Flannel
-Things I Tell People I “Absolutely Love” so They’ll Like Me
-For My Future, Organically-raised Children that Probably Love Vegetables and Mozart
-For the House I Will Never Afford
-Places I Want to Have Sex with a Hunky Man
-Ideas for my Wedding to Ryan Gosling
-Healthy Shit I Should be Eating
-Clothes I’d Wear When I’m not Enjoying Sweatpants
-Cheap/Easy Stuff I Could Make Look Really Expensive and Give as Gifts
-DIY Things I’ll Never Ever Make but Appreciate Anyway
-Hello Kitty Things I Can Eat
-What My Body Might Look Like if I Quit Eating Immediately After Workouts
-Art to Copy and Say I Thought of
-Lamps with Shit Glued to Them
-Lots of the Same Picture of Picture Frame Arrangements on Walls
-Fluffy Places my Cat Would Like to Sleep
-Everything I Could Potentially Make from a Mason Jar
-Red Velvet Everything aka Stuff I Don’t Mind Getting Fat from
-Bookshelf Porn
Heidi Thomasoni judges her friends based on their Pinterest boards.
