Alternative Thanksgiving Menus

Vegan Thanksgiving: Tofurkey and soy potatoes.

Gratuitously Carnivorous Thanksgiving: Bacon-wrapped turducken.

Charlie Brown Thanksgiving: Jelly beans, pretzel sticks, popcorn, and toast.

Texas Thanksgiving: Sour milk and secession fries.

Grandma’s Nursing Home Thanksgiving: Jell-O, maybe some salt packets.

International-Student-Staying-in-the-Dorm Thanksgiving: Sysco gravy and turkey burned by the Ukrainian RA.

Dirty Hipster Thanksgiving: PBR, and ten bags of potato chips stolen from the ALDI dumpster.

Conceptual Art Thanksgiving: Lying naked in a fetal position in the corner of a stark-white gallery underneath a framed, typewritten notice that you are thinking about turkey.

Cousin Kevin Thanksgiving: Energy drink and Fritos, consumed while smoking pot and delivering pizzas.

French Thanksgiving: Cigarettes.

Jay GablerChristopher Vondracek, and Sarah Heuer