Celebrity Finalists for My Zombie Apocalypse Survival Team

Gary Busey

Pros: Physical resemblance to zombies (wild jaw, rabid eyes, ever-present string of drool), manic temper, and a no-boundaries approach to every situation.

Cons: Consistently disoriented, threatens other team members regularly, and may have actually started the plague by biting strangers on Rodeo Drive.

Score out of 10: 8

LeBron James

Pros: Agility, strength, speed, and overall historic athletic ability.

Cons: deserted his first team after weeks of loyalty in order to join Mickey Rourke’s team; it’s only a matter of time before the two set out on their own to hunt zombies and yell at bitches. If they become zombies, every team loses.

Score out of 10: 10

Nancy Pelosi

Pros: Have you ever seen one of the many photos of her screaming on the House floor? I would never fuck with Nancy Pelosi. Plus, her diplomatic finesse will come in handy when dealing with other survival teams who try to steal our guns, food, etc.

Cons: Not a natural athlete. Could be used as zombie bait in desperate times.

Rating out of 10: 7

Javier Bardem

Pros: This team needs an able-bodied, relatively young man to take on responsibilities like chopping wood and repopulating the earth. Looks increasingly attractive the dirtier and more unkempt he becomes. And we all saw that psycho shit he pulled in No Country for Old Men.

Cons: Handsomeness may distract female team members, making them more vulnerable to attack.

Score out of 10: 9

Angelina Jolie

Pros: You know that blood vial-wearing, leather-clad badass is still in there. With a history of self-harm and years of performing her own stunts, you know she’s got an idea of how to do some damage.

Cons: It’s only a matter of time before her worldly compassion leads her to adopt several zombie children and attempt to rehabilitate them into the survival team.

Rating out of 10: 7.5

Mickey Rourke

Pros: all-around badassery, gravelly voice that can be used to raise morale during emotional speeches delivered in the rain, leathery face that tells you he’s seen battle once or twice. Simply being Mickey Rourke.

Cons: Strong potential to outgrow the survival team and leave after exhausting its resources.

Score out of 10: 10

Jane Lynch

Pros: She’s a freaking giant whose icy stare could freeze the nuts off a gecko in the Sahara.

Cons: doesn’t fit into small spaces, would likely get pretty mouthy about the worsening quality of life after several weeks.

Score out of 10: 8

- Natalie Berkley

I Want To Write A Rom-Com Starring Angelina Jolie

I love you, Angie, which is why I need to do this for you. I’m sorry. It’s for the best, really.

You’re gorgeous, baby, but you look stressed, and I know it’s not from the kids. You’re tired; you need a break from all that action. Yeah, I saw you dodge those bullets, and you are truly a mistress of disguise. But I can see right through those badass tattoos, and all this “saving the world” nonsense is clouding your brain. Get out, Angie, and be a sweetheart for me, for Hollywood.

You can’t always play the dominant female. I want you to be an innocent victim of love, Angie.

I want to see you cry, baby. I want to see you hurting in a corner. I want to see you in a heavy sweatshirt with mascara running down your face, nursing a bottle of Jack because some asshole broke your heart. I want to see you on the phone sobbing to your closest girlfriend, sitting in a sea of used tissues.

I want to see you bounce back from that horrible break-up with a renewed sense of yourself. I want to hear you tell a funny joke. I want to see you acting adorable with pigtail braids in your hair. I want to see you paint your bedroom a vibrant color and playfully get it all over your clothes and face. I want to see you trip on the dance floor and slap your forehead with embarrassment and a coy smile. I want to see you accidentally send a flirtatious e-mail meant for your coworker to everyone in the office.

I want you to have a love interest who isn’t wielding a gun and a briefcase full of stolen cash. I want you to fall hard for a goofy guy, played by Paul Rudd or John Krasinski. I want him to confess his love to you outside a bar in the rain on a moped. Or on swings in the backyard of a friend’s house where you were just playing cribbage. Or in his car when he’s dropping you off at your duplex, after a song comes on the radio that reminds him of you.

Do you have any songs about you, Angie? Because all that comes to mind is heavy metal, and that won’t work. Does that make you sad? I’m sorry. Don’t cry, baby.

I want you to be average yet interesting, like the “girl next door.” I want you to wear cute sundresses that hit just above the knees. I want you to wear little, striped cardigans with boyfriend tees so we can’t see your cleavage. In fact, I want your boobs to look squashy and flat. I want your cheeks to be rosy, Angie. I don’t want you to wear a garter or carry a pistol in one. Are you getting all this?

I want the world to love you and forget that you seduced a married man. Most importantly, I want you to love you, Angie.

-Heidi realizes this would be a horrible movie.

Photo by Gage Skidmore and Columbia Pictures.