Fill-in-the-Blank Science Report

Introduction:

For my science project, I tested [something cheap and easy to obtain but also pretty hazardous] on [some sort of living organism that you won’t get in trouble for torturing and/or killing] to see if [living thing] would [logical result of applying hazardous material to a living thing].

Hypothesis: [Hazardous material] will stunt the growth of [living thing].

Background:

Based on my Google search, I discovered this experiment has already been done about a million times by high-school students across the globe. However, I didn’t trust their data, so I am trying it again. Several reliable sources, such as [not Wikipedia], have confirmed that [hazardous chemical] will prevent [living thing] from growing. This is apparently due to [hazardous chemical] being toxic to living tissues, which explains the warning label on the bottle.

Procedure:

Take three [nearly identical living things] and label them A, B and C. Jot down in a notebook that A will be the control, B will get [this much] of [chemical] and C will get [a little more] of [chemical]. Apply designated treatments once a day for [sort of long period of time]. Measure [characteristic of living thing] every other day and record in a data table or just on random pieces of paper that you will lose.

Data:

*Cheat Sheet. Do not include in actual final draft.*

For A: As time goes on, numbers should increase gradually to simulate normal growth.

For B: As time goes on, measurements should somewhat stop increasing.

For C: As time goes on, measurements should completely stop increasing and potentially decrease.

Make a pretty graph comparing all three data sets.

Analysis:

My [living things] did exactly what I thought they would because my experiment was not very original. I am completely confident in the data because I am a confident person, and I made up the numbers all by myself. I basically have nothing to analyze because I already know what [hazardous chemical] does to [living things]. Some potential errors are that I am a teenager and lack a genuine understanding of inquiry. I am also lazy and forgot to do most of the treatments and measurements. If I were to do this experiment over, I would strive to do something original and unexpected, like applying [favorite soft drink] to my [living things], or something applicable, like changing [something about their environment].

Conclusion:

This was the most boring science project I could have chosen, but it was also a giant success. However, it is very obvious to myself, and probably my teacher, that I was looking for an easy A. In the end, I accepted my hypothesis that [hazardous material] stunts the growth of [living thing].

-Heidi Thomasoni teaches science. Duh.

(Photo Credit, and mad respect for that little girl.)

Biology and Romance: Let’s Be Realistic

To understand romance, I think we first need to take a look at animal courtship. This may come as a surprise to you, but humans are animals. Animals have one purpose in life: to pass on their genes to offspring. (Humans will argue they have a lot more purpose, but we’re sticking to science here.) When it comes to some animals, they only have one chance in a year (or maybe a lifetime) to get this part right. The females are the ones who get to be choosy, since they are investing a heck of a lot more resources into the whole process (their womb, parental care, etc). This leads to the males putting on extravagant courtship rituals or simply impressing the females with colorful or larger body parts (think peacock feathers or deer antlers). Men, as we all know, can make lots of babies at one time because they’re not actually carrying them; the whole process isn’t up to them at all.

Because I spend a lot of time trying to relate science to the average person’s life, I’ve made a lot of connections that are, unbeknownst to me at the time, completely accurate and supported by fact. My latest observation: men and romance. (Which is probably talked about in great deal in someone’s Masters thesis.)

Even after all these years, men still have one goal: spreading their seed. Women often call men “perverted” or “disgusting” for wanting to do this, but they actually can’t help it that much. What are most men really, really good at? Seduction. What are women really, really into? Swooning. What usually happens when the two of these are achieved? Sex.

But how long does the romance last? If you’re lucky, perhaps you’ll get a few more rounds of knee-weakening, heart-pounding moments out of a guy. Maybe he’ll send you some flowers or be the first to initiate a text. (Swoon!) But after he’s “crossed home plate” a few more times, the romance starts to die down. Why?

Romance is basically the equivalent of animal courtship. Dudes put a lot of time and energy into being romantic, just like the rest of the animal kingdom. For humans, romance requires money and research and typically a trip to a jewelry store. For most other animals, successful courting can be achieved through good health. Unfortunately for human males, females expect them to do it a whole lot longer than once a year. Once men finally give up after realizing the outcome is no longer worth the input, human females get frustrated and think there’s something wrong with the relationship. Don’t get me wrong, “love” is still there, which is unique to humans (and maybe elephants and some bird species), but completely in our heads.

Feelings of doubt in relationships stem entirely from fantasy movies and books where the male characters are exactly that: fantastic. Fantasy men never tire from serenading you on a dock at sunset or telling you they love you as fireworks explode in the sky. They have infinite resources because someone else dreamt of them: frustrated females who can’t seem to find Mr. Right. In actuality, these ladies probably already let him go, and he’s most likely being super romantic to another chick somewhere else….but only for a couple of months.

-Heidi loves to swoon.

Photo by Summit Entertainment.

Bad Science Jokes From A Bad[ass] Scientist

Q: What did the ADP molecule say to the phosphate? A: You complete me.

Q: What did the water molecule say to Photosystem II? A: Sorry, I’ve gotta split.

Q: Why was the water molecule so cranky? A: Because he was bipolar.

Q: What did the cytosine say to the guanine? A: Let’s bond.

Q: Why was the plant so emotional? A: Because his hormones were out of control.

Q: Why did the electron cross the salt bridge? A: To deposit on the other side.

Q: What did the voltage say to the battery? A: I can’t resist you.

Q: Why did the gene mutate? A: Because the environment called him unfit.

Q: How many bacteria does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None! Bacteria don’t screw!

Q: Why was granite so mean? A: Because he’s an igneous bastard.

Q: Why did the pine tree ask the maple for advice? A: Because he’s deciduous!

Q: Why did the E. coli stand up his date? A: Because he didn’t want to give her diarrhea.

Q: Why couldn’t the geranium sleepover with the corn? A: Because the corn only had a monocot!

Q: What did the proton say to the electron? A: I’m positive we belong together.

-Heidi Schatz originally tweeted these while drinking.

Things NASA Scientists Should Do Now that the Space Shuttles Are Done

• Purchase space LEGOs, make big space shuttle launch pads in their parents’ basements, and cry themselves to sleep each night in deep nostalgia.

• Develop the world’s fastest pinewood derby car.

• Summon George Lucas, Tom Clancy, and Michael Bay to a conference room. Give them a whiteboard and an unlimited budget. Say “you’re not leaving here till you create something that’ll make the Russians shit in their cosmonaut pants.”

• Unfreeze the head of Walt Disney, re-animate it, and run it for president.

• Steal a bunch of leftover rocket fuel and throw one killer all-night kegger/pyrotechnics party.

• Move to West Virginia. Become a high school science teacher. Help children of coal miners achieve their aeronautics dreams through small rockets. Develop cancer. Die. Inspire a film adaptation of the story, starring Laura Dern.

• Pound Jell-O shots ’til they have enough courage to sleep with their launch commanders, a.k.a. former bosses, and say something like, “Ground control to my vagina, prepare for touch down.”

• Develop a new, cheaper, long-distance version of the shuttle to help continue on the American pioneer legacy into the final frontier. Just kidding. Do more Jell-O shots.

• Go into the Botox industry.

- Dunstan McGill, with the last one by Becky Lang